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It's all about me, baby!

I ended up having a kinda long and deep conversation with Barb last night. Still digesting all of it.

Parts of it had to do with her feelings, which I won't go into here. Not so much because of being uncaring, but they aren't really germane to talking about me, and it's all about me baby.

Talking points:
1.) I shouldn't take all of the blame for our breaking up.
Well, I don't. I'm long past the whole blame thing. We need different things, and we really stayed together far longer than we should have. A lot of feelings were hurt along the way, and things were said that weren't particularly nice on both of our parts. I think we can both be forgiven for that, as it's pretty understandable, but as far as fault and blame-- it's really just nonsensical. It serves no purpose, and it's an artificial bit of drama that I don't need.

I genuinely like Barb. I think she's intelligent, creative, funny, and talented, and I want to see her succeed. I want to see her happy.

2.) I shouldn't deny myself happiness.
This is hard. I'm not specifically trying to deny myself happiness, but I have a long history of being unhappy. It does however go directly to the whole sex-nazi thing from yesterday. More fodder for the thinking, but that actually would be denying myself pleasure and a chance at happiness.

3.) I'm not broken.
4.) I'm broken.

This bit of duality comes from a sort of roundabout. She thinks that I am putting up huge walls to keep myself away from any emotional attachment. I think that's a pretty reasonable assessment, but I don't think it's particularly unexpected. However, I think she sees it as there is this huge well of happiness that surrounds me and I just keep it all at bay, where I don't see all the happiness surrounding me-- I think it's more of the same desolation and pain.

More specifically, I think she believes that there are a lot of women out there that would be tremendously happy to hook up with a noble soul such as myself, but I'm doing everything that I can to keep myself isolated from them. Apparently she has not seen the responses that I get from Yahoo! Personals.

True answer is somewhere in between. I do isolate myself, and I do it partly out of fear. But there is also a part of me that recognizes a pattern in every relationship that I've had, and the common thread in all of those relationships is me and the way that I behave. I tend to sublimate my needs to those of my significant other way too much, and until I'm more able to represent myself better and stronger, I see the likelihood that I'd fall back into the same trap.

The divergence here is that where I think that my behaviors are something that I need to own and change, she thinks it's a result of issues with my father while I was growing up, and that I should seek counseling for those issues (which will fix my not-wanting-kids problem as well). Okay, old issue, and irreconcilable. Where we agree on the behavior, we disagree on the cause.

5.) I don't finish stuff I start.
Yeah, gotta say that not everything, but a lot of things remain unfinished. I have a lot of good ideas, but not so hot on completion.

On one hand, I can say that it's partly because I have so many good ideas that I can't possibly do them all. On the other, that's a certain amount of copout. I do have a lot of projects that were started and remain unfinished, but really my track record for actually finishing is much better than it was.

There is a problem buried underneath this. Confidence maybe, or self-sabotage. Or when it gets tough, bailing because it's too hard or uncomfortable.

There was more stuff, but it isn't in the scope of this entry.

In the sense of being Fair and Balanced:

1.) I am freakishly brilliant.

2.) I am creative.

3.) I am talented.

4.) I am funny.

5.) I am generally pleasant.

Honestly, I can think of a lot more good things about me than bad things. Point is, I don't want to change the good things.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 3rd, 2006 07:23 pm (UTC)
6.) push Barb out the door
7.) quickly lock the house
May. 3rd, 2006 07:34 pm (UTC)
This wasn't meant to be a Barb-bashing session. I'm honestly trying to identify stuff that's wrong so I can maybe fix it.

And you narfed my icon! Hee!
May. 3rd, 2006 07:36 pm (UTC)
its not about barb ...its about YOU. just giving you my honest opinion.
May. 3rd, 2006 07:43 pm (UTC)
Appreciate the honest opinion. It's always about me.

Barb here or gone doesn't fix anything really. She does have a tendency to poke the bear sometimes, which is really all this was.

I am doing positive steps-- very difficult ones, BTW-- to try and fix me. It takes a fucking long time.
May. 3rd, 2006 11:26 pm (UTC)
Sometimes it's hard to get the reminder that change is a process not an event ... at least it's hard for me sometimes ... Oh, yeah and at least you get answers to your personal ads! :-P
May. 3rd, 2006 07:56 pm (UTC)
repeat! again!
6.) I am beautiful.
May. 3rd, 2006 08:01 pm (UTC)
Snorfle! Plecostemus!
May. 3rd, 2006 08:27 pm (UTC)
Re: Snorfle! Plecostemus!
I'd fuck ya.
May. 3rd, 2006 11:05 pm (UTC)
Re: Snorfle! Plecostemus!
Silly guy.

6b. Handsome (rogue-ishly so, & rather).
6c. Good-looking (VERY).
6d. Sexy.

Yes, all of these and SO much more.

Say 6a - 6d (preceded by "I am" in a mirror, several times a day. Lather, rinse, repeat. (We come to believe what is repeated to us. In your case, all you need to do is convince yourself, because each one of those descriptors really *is* true.

May. 3rd, 2006 09:57 pm (UTC)
I think therapy is a good idea. But then, I always do. It worked so well for me, and was such a positive experience that I hope others can find the same sort of experience. It's hard, though, because you've got to find the right counselor. Someone who you feel likes and respects you, but doesn't coddle you - asks you the hard questions.

And yes, you are freakishly brilliant. And as someone else who is talented in many areas, I understand feeling overwhelmed with the possibilities and the variables. You start projects that don't necessarily have end-points or a specific goal/need, and you dont' always complete them. I only allow myself to do projects that have a specific goal, otherwise I'd have a buttload of half-completed costumes around my place (I already do, they're just packed away in boxes).

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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