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Fucked like a two-dollar whore on payday

With the refinance option gone, I'm down to some significantly bad options.

Here's the deal: the house needs some significant work. The roof alone is probably the biggest culprit. It needs at a minimum a complete tear-off, replacement of all the flashing and underlayment, and the addition of venting. Ballpark estimates are $8000-$10000, better estimates coming. Ideally it would be a complete slicing of the top part of the house off and rebuild a second story, which is somewhere in the neighborhood of $75-125k (and completely unaffordable).

In order to refinace the house, the roof would have to be replaced. In order to replace the roof, I need money. To get the money, I was hoping for the refi.

I was also hoping to cash out to pay off some back debt, which is now not an option.

So now, I'm scrambling to come up with a large chunk of change.

Looking at options.

1.) Home Equity Loan/Signature loan.
While on the surface this is a good second choice, My credit rating isn't great, and the possibility of actually getting the loan is pretty abysmal. Because it's already been declared "unlendable", it fucks me up. I'm still gonna try, but it's not looking good.
Second part of this is that I don't know what specific repairs need to be made for the house to be considered "lendable" again. I know the roof is high on the list, but I don't know what else, and the phrase "potential uncovered damage" was bandied about.

2.) Selling the house as-is to Homevestors or similar.
Thought about it before, chose not to. The problems are all there: I still have to have a place to go to, and I can't afford to buy a new place unless I move way out into the boonies or into a neighborhood that makes me want to put in bulletproof glass.
The good thing about this idea is that it gets me out from under the burden of the Big Broken Box™ in one fell swoop.

3.) Barter.
Assuming that I could find a roofer that was willing to trade out labor in exchange for video services (advertising, a DVD to show customers) and was actually reputable, I'd still have to pony up for materials. That's much less of a burden, but it's still right up there. It's also highly unlikely-- try and find a roofer that is willing to work that way.

4.) Sub-prime lenders.
No. I'll sell the place first.

5.) Lottery.
Got nothin' against this one at all.

6.) Unbelievable hail storm that tears the shit out of the roof.
Come on, God. Do me a good one. That's why I pay for insurance.

7.) An accidental fire because of my stupidity in leaving that 55-gallon drum of gasoline in the basement right next to that open flame and all those oily rags.
Sounds awfully fishy, doesn't it?

8.) Run away and change my identity.
Sometimes this looks really really good.

9.) Making porn.
Yes, the notion comes up again. It may be distasteful, but at least it's legal.

10.) Selling drugs.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt (with County Jail stenciled on it).

11.) Prostituting myself.
Take forever at two dollars a pop.

12.) Stand on streetcorner and beg.
Might interfere with the day job.

13.) Make a box-office smash movie with no budget and no time.
See #5 above.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
lexinatrix
Jul. 14th, 2006 08:05 pm (UTC)
Are there any city/county options for a loan to improve the place? I know there were some programs going on in Minneapolis to encourage folks to improve the existing homes. Yay, gentrification, or something.

Maybe that's an option.

Too bad Habitat for Humanity doesn't do fix-up jobs.
magicmarmot
Jul. 14th, 2006 08:35 pm (UTC)
There is a neighborhood revitalization plan, but the income restrictions put me out of the running.
jenx
Jul. 14th, 2006 08:33 pm (UTC)
If you sell to Homevestors, how much would you get? Would you be willing to rent a nicer place until you could buy?

And don't discount the porn - there's always a market for *good* porn.
magicmarmot
Jul. 14th, 2006 08:37 pm (UTC)
I don't know how much I'd get from Homevestors, they'd have to come out and look and wiggle a deal. It's looking like a good option, except for the crushing my soul part.

As for porn, I'm never discounting it. It's a serious option, considering that I have all of the equipment for it.

Production equipment. Cameras. lights, sound equipment, that kind of thing.
jenx
Jul. 14th, 2006 08:41 pm (UTC)
All you need now is people who like to have sex with each other.
magicmarmot
Jul. 14th, 2006 09:15 pm (UTC)
Reasonably attractive people who like to have sex with each other; uggo porn may have a niche market, but in general it's not the way to go. Or hot college girls who like to have sex with themselves and each other. And are willing to do it on camera for not a lot of money. And are at least 18.
sageincave
Jul. 14th, 2006 09:41 pm (UTC)
maybe you can get your attractive, attached friends to volunteer, and split the profits. That way everybody wins.
magicmarmot
Jul. 14th, 2006 09:54 pm (UTC)
It would definitely make me popular at parties.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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