Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam
magicmarmot

Angry today.

Lesson of the day is self-worth, or the lack thereof.

To me, self-worth is something that you have to determine for yourself, it has to come from inside you by definition. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. The concept of worth requires a sense of value, and value is inherently a relative judgement. SO in at least some aspects, you have to judge your self-worth based on a social framework in which you operate.

Or you don't. You could judge yourself entirely by your own criteria, but that has a different name. It's called Ego.

A lot of people take their self-worth from relationships. I've done that myself. It can get to be an ugly thing. I chose to end a relationship when it got ugly, mostly out of a sense of self-preservation.

Some people get their sense of self-worth from their jobs. I worked as a contractor for ten years, and it pretty much killed any illusion of worth coming from a job.

Some people do things like paint, sculpt, make music or movies. This is perhaps the most fragile of all, because any art that is intended for an audience is going to be judged, and the context in which it will be judged is completely out of the control of the artist. Basing your sense of worth on the percieved value of your art is really asking to have your ego crushed like a watermelon at a monster truck rally.

I didn't realize how much of my sense of self-worth I had subjugated into studio projects until I shut down. Suddenly the goals that I had set were no longer achievable, and I lost my sense of measure.

I look at the house. It's the Beast of irresponsibility, a reflection of my inability. I've had insults hurled, people asking when I'm going to get out so someone better can move in.

Sometimes I just want a Do-Over button.

Why am I here? Why have I chosen to stay?

I suppose because going somewhere else would be a bit too much like trying to run away, and I can't run away from myself, much as I want to.

It's a low point in the self-worth department. I can't figure out any sense of value, can't find anything that will give me a handle onto something good. I suspect that I'm looking for the wrong thing, but I fear that there is nothing, or that what there is is too small to count for much.

It's not a good time to be introspective.
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