Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam
magicmarmot

Aural Sex

The 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman

1. "Good morning."

2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"

3. "I can't stop touching you."

4. "Want to join me in the shower?"

5. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you."

6. "I love how you taste."

7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)

8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."

9. Her name--her full name--followed by a "Wow."

10. "I'll get the light."

11. "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend."

12. "No one's ever done that before."

13. "Can we do that again?"

14. "I love your [fill in body part here]."

15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips.

16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers."

17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"

18. "I'll go make coffee."

19. "Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you."

20. "Let's play hooky today."

21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot."

22. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."

23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.

24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now."

25. "I'm ready to go again."

26. "Damn, I've missed you."

27. "How about a massage?"

28. Playful laughter.

29. "Don't ever leave me."

30. "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby."


The 30 least hot follow-ups to the 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman

1. "Good morning Cheryl. I mean, um, Sharon."

2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow? I haven't done this in, like, fifteen years."

3. "I can't stop touching you. Stupid OCD."

4. "Want to join me in the shower? Grouting's more fun with two!"

5. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you. Uh, I mean centimeter of you. I keep forgetting you are Canadian -- thank god."

6. "I love how you taste your soup before adding salt to it. You know, that's the way Thomas Edison used to interview candidates. True fact. He'd take them out for lunch and if they seasoned their soup before trying it he wouldn't hire them, because that showed that they were impulsive and didn't -- holy shit, are you okay?! Jesus, you spilled it all over yourself! That's gotta hurt. What the fuck were you doing eating soup while naked in the first place?"

7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria -- but, seriously dude: if you gotta explain it, the answer is "no.")

8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito." (Note: This statement cannot be made any less hot.)

9. Her name -- her full name -- followed by a "Wow"? Followed by "Well? Are you listening? Do you want to play World of Warcraft or not?"

10. "I'll get the light sabers, you get the tickets to Revenge Of The Sith."

11. "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend. Yes, right here in the strip club."

12. "No one's ever done that before and lived."

13. "Can we do that again? I forgot to hit record on my camera."

14. "I love your [fill in body part here]." No, not the bile duct, you idiot -- an external body part.

15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips. Then continue shutting down all effective means of communication between the two of you for the next thirty years of your marriage.

16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers." While looking at the people currently in bed with her: "lucky bastards."

17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see? I see Gene Hackman."

18. "I'll go make coffee. How much low-fat Irish Cream flavored sweetener do you like in your Sanka?"

19. "Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you, because you steal all the covers while sleeping."

20. "Let's play hooky today. You won't get in trouble -- I am your principal, after all"

21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot" or "Ever since we ate that dim sum I haven't felt so hot."

22. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing. Seriously, just give it squeeze. Just gooooo ahead and squeeze it, any time now. As soon as it feels amazing. Or, you know, feels adequate -- whatever."

23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate. Or "Schmuck."

24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now than getting dressed and hitting the road, but I guess I'm obligated to lie here next to you for another 20 minutes."

25. "I'm ready to go again. Too much fiber, I guess."

26. "Damn, I've missed you. Hang on while I reload."

27. "How about a massage? Let's start with my feet."

28. Playful laughter that escalates into maniacal laughter that transitions into coughing that degenerates into sobbing.

29. "Don't ever leave me the check."

30. "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby." A moment later: "Yep, we still have a baby. Goddamnit!"

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