Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

I'm thinking part of it is sinus related, but there is that mix of stress in there as well. I can feel my body clenching pretty much constantly. A lot of it is centered around the house and money issues. I was actually doing pretty well until the fucking inspections department came through. I still haven't talked to the inspector: apparently she's not in her office, but is out causing other people grief.

Paperwork snafu for the loan is straightened out. Barb is getting a document notarized today and sending it in, so it's again looking like next week before I actually get the loan paperwork signed and all. There is a possibility it could happen by the end of this week, but don't hold your breath until the chickens hatch.

Then there's the love-and-romance thing that's bringing me a great deal of grief all of a sudden. For instance, I have a MySpank page that's pretty static, as I primarily set it up for pimping out the studio before I decided to shut down. Lately I've been getting inundated with friend requests from hot blonde twentysomethings, which sounds good in practice, but it seems that they all have websites that they want me to join so I can see more of them. Color me cynical, but I don't believe that they really want to be my friends at all, and at this point it's approaching the feeling of mocking.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for hot twentysomething nekkid chicks, I think the world needs more of them. I just don't want them preying on my loneliness.

And yet loneliness is the wrong word for what I'm feeling. It's more of a vague horniness gunked up with frustration and cynicism, wrapped in grape leaves and served on a bed of rice pilaf. And even that isn't complete, because I miss being able to share stuff in my life with someone who is that close. Lately it's been feeling like that's never gonna be there again.

I've never been much for random sexual encounters. It's not that I don't approve of them, or that I feel that it's necessary to be in love for the sex to be good, it's more of a trust thing. I want my partner to genuinely like me, and have a bond of trust and affection. And it's not just sex, it's physicality in general: snuggling, cuddling, snogging, all of those -ings. Random encounters and one-offs tend to leave me rather unfulfilled.

At the same time, I'm not real good about extending myself into situations where I might actually meet somebody that I could connect with. And I probably won't until I get the house in some semblance of not-falling-down-around-my-head-ism.

That's gonna be a while.

On the other hand, no more projects. The DVD is done. Fringe is done. CONvergence is done. Fest is nigh and absorbing many performers into its warm damp embrace, and by its very nature, there's not a lot of call for my particular brand of technowizardry. The Halloween season is where the next round is likely to come, but I don't think there's a lot happening on that front this year, and I'm not actually obligated to anyone.

I really need a weekend in a hotel with a hot tub, some good friends, and a lovely lady to keep me company.

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