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Crustaceans in a microbus.

I know that I talk a lot about the Big Broken Box™, but that's because it's pretty much the overriding point of existence in my life right now.

There's something of a parallel between me and the box. I'm working on the structure of the house, a lot of the exterior. I'm also working on my own structure and exterior with the exercise. Granted, one could take that as working on the interior as well, but I'm thinking of my interior as more of the mental schtuff.

It's a multi-year project. The box needs years worth of work-- more out of the affordability than anything else. If I had the money, I could hire contractors to do everything and be done in months. Of course, if I had the money, I could also do the plastic surgery thing and have large quantities of fat sucked from my body, but that's a different thing; I think the exercise is better, if slower. Certainly it's healthier. But it's going to take years to reach my final goal.

There's another analogue buried within this as well: I don't have to complete all of the work to actually let people into the house and be social. I do have to make some core changes in my behavior (and perhaps buy some new furniture). Likewise, I don't have to complete all of my weight and health goals to let people into my life again, particularly the womenfolk.

The hard part is determining when it's time. There isn't a set recipie for how this works, or one of those little pop-out turkey timers.

Hot Realtor Babe brought up the idea of returning to counseling. It's been a couple of years, and I could probably benefit from some long-term counseling sessions, but I'm resisting the idea because of percieved time pressures (I think they're actual time pressures, but I'll allow that I could be hiding). And I am feeling overwhelmed; adding one more thing on top of it all just seems like a really bad idea.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
chebutykin
Aug. 16th, 2006 10:06 pm (UTC)
And I am feeling overwhelmed; adding one more thing on top of it all just seems like a really bad idea.

Ah, but perhaps counseling would help quell that overwhelmed feeling?
saveau
Aug. 16th, 2006 11:53 pm (UTC)
Oh. My. I'm seconding Chebutykin. Some constructive counseling could really really not hurt. In fact, I'm rather surprised to learn that you didn't have ongoing counseling... and I think it explains a helluva lot.

Go. Now.
magicmarmot
Aug. 17th, 2006 01:36 am (UTC)
Yeah, thanks for that.
saveau
Aug. 17th, 2006 08:51 pm (UTC)
I'm not trying to be mean or snarky, Rob. But I'm not gonna pat your fanny and blow in your ear, either. If you look back over your blog and some personal conversations with me and others over the last few months, you'll notice a few times when people who've known you personally for extended periods of time have done a neck-snapping double take at your words and actions (or inactions) and been either creeped out or pissed off, or varying degrees of both.

I think you're more messed up than you admit or realize. I base that view on having known you personally for a long time, a vantage point decidedly NOT shared by many of your adoration-comment-posting fans. I also think that you can get better in the ways you want to - and need to... I don't know if you will, and I won't pretend otherwise, but I know that you can. You're devastatingly intelligent and a good person, both of which are necessary conditions for true self-improvement - but they are not sufficient conditions.

Note that I'm not just talking about your health, though that is obvious and important. I'm also not saying that you've pretended that you don't have nasty demons with terrible table manners hanging out in your head, because you certainly haven't... but I think you're more comfortable with them than you should be, and that perverse comfort holds you back from a lot of what you should be achieving.

Yeah, counseling is a damn good idea. At the very least it would be better than flinging pop-psychological pseudoself-analysis bullshit into the blogosphere over and over again, and waiting for applause. You do this instead of things that would genuinely help you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't think out loud or put your reflections down in a tangible form; of course you should. But playing with analytical language, however intellectually stimulating it may feel, in front of a keyboard doesn't light a fire under your ass and build you into the man you need to be. Or, to put it a bit more harshly - Masturbation feels good, but it doesn't make a baby. Or connect you to other people in any meaningful way.

You have indeed been doing some things right. I'm glad that you're working out again, and laying off the junk food. That's huge, and will pay off in immeasurably positive ways if you stick with it. Like not dying before the end of the decade. But there's obviously more to be done, and quality time with a counselor is a great way to get a head start on it.

I've read over the above, and it sounds ranty... I rant because I worry about you. Do you get that?
magicmarmot
Aug. 17th, 2006 10:00 pm (UTC)
Indeed I do get that. And I know from whence it comes. There's a lot of history there, and a lot of good and bad.

I do think counseling is a good idea. And I'm at the point now where I'm considering it again, and bearing that in mind when looking at the world from behind the lens of a depressive episode.

I am taking medication regularly again, and the exercise helps. Unfortunately this is also a period of high stress, and long, drawn-out high stress. And that makes it worse and triggers the doubleplusungood stuff.

I think you're more messed up than you admit or realize.

Perhaps. The bodies in the basement used to tell me the same thing.

Look: it's really easy to believe that I am broken. Barb has that rather unshakable belief that because I don't want children, I am broken and in need of fixing. That was one of the problems with the last counselor-- there was an emphasis on "fixing" me so I would want to be a daddy. It was the wrong thing, and I know that now.

Part of the whole counseling thing is not only finding a counselor that fits, but determining what things I want to get rid of and what things I want to keep.

Much like the disencrapification process of the Big Broken Box™.

But I also have to choose that stuff, and it has to be my choice. And I'm keeping the bad movies and the bodies in the basement.
saveau
Aug. 18th, 2006 12:42 am (UTC)
Look: it's really easy to believe that I am broken. Barb has that rather unshakable belief that because I don't want children, I am broken and in need of fixing. That was one of the problems with the last counselor-- there was an emphasis on "fixing" me so I would want to be a daddy. It was the wrong thing, and I know that now.

Uhhh... this is not about you being "broken" - at least not in the sense that your ex-relationship defined that term - and it sure as shit isn't about Barb. What Barb thinks on that subject is irrelevant; it's her problem, not yours, and you continuing to fall back on "what Barb thinks" smacks of misdirection.

Part of the whole counseling thing is not only finding a counselor that fits, but determining what things I want to get rid of and what things I want to keep.

Another part of it is coming to the realization that you probably are going to have to jettison things that you think you want to keep. If your goal is to get healthy, then that trumps everything else. Period. That doesn't necessarily mean you can't keep something you want; it DOES mean that if you start out declaring that there are some things that just plain aren't going to go, then you're already fucking yourself.

What you keep when you get your head screwed on straight is something that you find out as you go through the process, not something that you declare up front. Any other attitude is self-indulgent egotistical bullshit, and you're smart enough to know that.

But I also have to choose that stuff, and it has to be my choice. And I'm keeping the bad movies and the bodies in the basement.

See above. Maybe you'll keep all that stuff, maybe you won't, maybe something totally unexpected will develop. Commit to getting healthy first; the rest will be whatever it becomes down the road.

You can tell that your life stinks. What you seem unwilling to acknowledge is that the bucket of your own shit that you've been sitting in has a lot to do with it. The obvious solution - THROW THE SHIT OUT. Don't sit there and pick through it to see if there's some little shiny bit you might want to keep. Or else you'll just keep right on digging in your shit instead of having a goddamn life. And you'll die there. Alone. Because you chose that place. All by yourself. Fucker.

Don't worry about what you might lose when you throw the shit away. Y'know why? Because anything about yourself that's worth keeping will almost certainly stick around of its own accord. And anything that does fly out will at least separate from the shit! Nifty! That isn't ancient cosmic wisdom, it isn't something I looked up, it's just the way living works. Just fucking do it!

Harsh? Deal. You're smart enough to deal. And if you aren't strong enough... you will be after you start doing the work.

Do. It.

molasses
Aug. 17th, 2006 06:50 pm (UTC)
listen to me, you're a wise, motherfucking smarty. I love lots of things about you and one is the calm wisdom you have shown to me.

maybe think of the work on the house as care and love for it. same for yourself.
you'll find a counsellor if it's right. you know what to do.

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