Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

Here comes your 19th nervous breakdown

This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. It's the throes of depression (the clinical variety, not "just feeling sad") that's triggered by stress. I understand that and recognize it for what it is, but it still sucks big bat rocks. I'm straight out of the textbook, straight out the trailer.

I learned long ago that the critical points of depressive episodes are not the time to be making decisions that affect the rest of your life. Sometimes you don't have the luxury of putting off decisions until you're better, but if you can, you're more likely to make better decisions.

Today is an exceptionally bad one. I'm riding just beyond the event horizon of functionality; that's the place where depressive paralysis comes into play. If you don't suffer from depression, the concept is probably foreign to you, but essentially you get to the point where you can't do anything. You may need to do your laundry, and you know you need to do your laundry, and you tell yourself that you will right now get up and take your laundry down and start it, but you can't. You just sit there. The phone rings, but you don't answer it because you can't talk to a person.

One of the signs for me is an insatiable craving for chocolate, like to the point where I will get up at 3 in the morning and drive to StupidAmerica to get something. Most of the time I'll put on pants.

I'm actually functioning, but just barely, and I have the feeling like if there's one more thing that happens, I'm just gonna shut down completely.

It will pass. It always does. But it makes it hard to ever consider any kind of personal involvement, because at times like this I'm pretty difficult to deal with.

Everything is not going to be okay.

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