Lately I've been dreaming strangely. Nothing continuous, more just snippets of dreams, little moments almost like dream snapshots.
(WARNING: this turns really depressing. feel free to turn back now.)
I was really sad last night. Lonely and sad. And I was trying to figure out what was making me so sad, other than being lonely.
And there are no really good answers.
I think I'm pining for lost youth. I've had several dreamlets that have me back around 14 years old, which wasn't a particularly pleasant time in my life, but it was when I started having interaction with girls on a real level. Sort of my sexual awakening.
Which then makes me wonder if it's about sex. And certainly there is a sexual component to my overall sense of discontentment-- a kind of sexual restlessness. But that's not the big thing, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's not more of a smokescreen for what I'm really feeling.
Trouble is, I'm not really sure what that is.
I feel really insecure on a lot of fronts. Career-wise, I think it's at the end of life, and I need to find something new. That's hella insecure. Financially, we're just starting to get to the point of being caught up, but when this job ends in a couple of months, I don't know what we'll do. So that puts things like keeping the house at risk.
Emotionally, I've always been a little iffy. When other parts of my life are insecure, I get insecure. So I'm a little vulnerable, and I tend to hide.
Physically, the diabetes is kicking my ass. I go in for more tests next month, but there are more than a few problems that I'm having, and some of the damage is permanent.
fairoriana, Angsty is a good description. :)
I want an escape. I want something where the burden of responsibility for freaking everything is taken off of my shoulders for a while. I want to not have to worry about the next paycheck, or if I'm being hauled into court this week, or whether I can walk straight when I wake up in the morning.
So maybe when I'm feeling lonely, it's not so much loneliness as a missing parts of my youth. Because maybe this is as good as it's ever gonna get, and it's all downhill from here.