Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam
magicmarmot

Weird synchronicity

About two years ago, I wrote this.

The weird thing is that I was thinking along these very same lines today. It's creepy how much this resonates, and goes to show that I haven't really grown in the past two years.

Okay, that's not entirely true. There are other things that I have grown in and changed. But the whole relationship thing has been stunted, stagnant.

It's not like I haven't done some exploratory work. I've sent feelers out a couple of times, got 'em bitten off once, trampled a little, and otherwise have recieved the impression that it just ain't time yet, and that's frustrating.

What am I waiting for? Fixing the house? A thorough cleaning? Having a maybe-not-perfect-but-not-repulsive body?

Well, yeah.

I suppose that's a lot of it. And I am working towards those goals, as ill-defined as they are. Those three things move a long way toward a happy place for me, or I suppose more the framework of a happy place. The happiness still needs to come from me somewhere, but it's more of a place to put the happiness.

It's hard because there's so much stuff that's in process right now, big stuff, frustrating stuff. Stuff that doesn't have a payoff for a really long time.

Really, pretty much every aspect of my life right now is frustrating. Incomplete and frustrating, overwhelming and discouraging. And no, that does not make for a good time to be lookin' for love; I get that. In spades. It's that long-time-before-finishing thing that's a significant thorn in my ass.

Yeah, yeah, motivation. Bite me Toby, It's not motivational anymore. Right now it's all crisis mode, and multiple crises at the same time. I don't have time to deal with no steenking motivation.

Am I just mindlessly bitching here? Am I holding myself back from completion to avoid risk? Am I second-guessing myself in the long run?

Um.

Shit.

You know, writing this stuff down is a really good way to get behind the guardian of the gates. Those little sarcastic things that pop out suddently turn out to have a kernel of truth behind them.

And so some simple planning. I need to stop feeling overwhelmed, and to do that I need to break down and actually plan what I need to do instead of just doing stuff in a blind panic (thank you City of Minneapolis).

If I make it a goal to have a Halloween party at the Big Broken Box, figure either the 21st or the 28th of October, is it do-able? That means the roof repair is done, the porch is at least framed and sheathed, and the living room/dining room/bathroom/kitchen is cleaned out and representational of an actual functioning home.

Gotta think about this for a bit. On one hand, the goal-and-deadline is probably a good focusing tool. On the other, it may not be do-able.
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