Today I am involved in some introspection that I'm not entirely able to discern from whence it comes. There is a heavy feeling of failure looming just under the surface, signals of time lost and things left undone.
This shall pass. I know it will probably evaporate like a dream under the scrutiny of morning light, but it leaves an afertaste, a shadow that insinuates itself into the things that I do in everyday life. It's like the seduction of pain and pleasuer, testing the ability to feel and experience flavors of excitement only to realize that at the end it was still just pain and hours that won't come back.
There is so much knowledge that I don't have, that I will never have. So many things that I want to do that I will never do. Knowledge of sacrifice, the letting go of things that will never happen because the time for them has passed. And with that comes sadness, the sadness of loss.
Part of it is the glaze of the political season, which has tainted the very air with the stench of backstabbing and politics gone awry, the death sentence of a dictator catalyzing the next world war as well as arousing suspicions that its timing was nothing less than a political tool to sway votes to the party in power: no price too much to pay, even if it costs the lives of millions.
And then there's the local races, which leave me less than enthused. In particular, the governor's race, which has candidates that I am not happy with by any means.
This is the year that politics ate Halloween. There was so much bad energy coming from the negative campaign ads that it just sapped any fun from the season (except for those of you who are diehard activists and enjoyed rolling in the filth like dogs in fish guts). As it turns out, that may not be an inherently bad thing, as there are some other outlets that will be happening: for instance, CONvergence this year has a theme of Creature Feature. Most unfortunately, I do not have the werewithal to be ghosting a room party, but I will be making my influence felt in other ways. I have to, it is my calling.
This week is a lot of cleaning and organizing. It's not a real fun week, but Omegacon comes like a happy gift on the weekend.
More later, loves.