Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

Mattel™ announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Minneapolis-St Paul Market:

Edina Barbie: This Princess Barbie is only sold at Southdale. She comes
with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a longhaired
foreign dog, named "Honey", and an over-priced house. Available with or
without a tummy tuck and face-lift. Therapist Ken available. Workaholic Ken
sold only in conjunction with augment version. Fantasy Ken sold separately
during the afternoons at local motels. Toys and accessories sold at adult

Eden Prairie Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with
your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. Her vehicle will not
move unless there are no objects in front of the vehicle for 100 yards,
causing traffic jams. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation
or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional
matching gym outfit in plus sizes only. Eden Prairie Ken and her come with
matching Vikings jerseys. He drives to the games. She drives home. It takes
her 45 minutes longer.

Minnetonka Beach Barbie: Has freshness date on package. Do not buy
after that date or product may be spoiled rotten. Comes with no appreciation
on how the "other" 95% live. Does not have career or an idea of what makes
her happy. When bought in conjunction with Hard Working Ken, she will change
her appearance.....will gain 75 lbs., will cut her hair, will become an avid
church-goer, and belittle anyone who crosses her. No one including Ken is
right, ever. Ken's head melts after 17 years.

St. Paul Barbie: This model is only available at the JC Penney Catalog
Store or at any parochial school bazaar. It cannot be purchased on
Saturday night (because of Trivia nights) and Sundays (grade school
picnics).It comes with a case of Busch Beer, pork steaks, a recipe for
Hash Brown Casserole, a 1987 Plymouth Voyager and one cell phone (circa1982,
big as a toaster) for the whole family with 15 anytime minutes.
She is wearing the latest fashion from Target that she wore on Easter
Sunday. It also comes with Ken (wearing the latest soccer T-shirt two
sizes too small), a sack of White Castles and a 72 ounce Big Gulp.

North Minneapolis Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm
handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab
kit. This Barbie also comes with 6 children by four different Kens.
This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in
cash--preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we
don't know what you're talking about!

Wayzata Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with a choice of a BMW sports
car or a souped up Hummer 2.0 Included is her Starbucks cup, credit cards
and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken
and private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway. This edition
is available in Naples, FL, but only during spring break.

Coon Rapids Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans
two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her
shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Coors
Light and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set.She can spit over 5 feet and can
kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup
separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.
Comes with personal concealed gun license.

Woodbury Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a
leopard-print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains
friends at the club. Limited clothing available. Designer mini-skirts and
CFM'S constitute 90% of her wardrobe. Percocet prescription available.
Elderly Ken completes this set. Pre-Nup papers as worthless as the
Chinese-made paper they are printed on.

Uptown Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and
arch-less feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She
prefers that you call her "Willow". She thinks Wellstone was a republican.

Fridley Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair
of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she
chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Anoka Barbie's house. Her make-up is
dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no
fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with
assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through
halter-top. Accessories include: CD player equipped with BonJovi and a rusty
old Ford pickup.

Willmar Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was
released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white
pantyhose and a bad haircut.

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