I feel like one big raw exposed nerve today. I had to leave work for a while because I was having this freak-out issue, not because anything was actually happening. It feels like the hamster in my head got dosed with caffiene and is spinning madly in his cage, except that just behind him is a large dog weilding a chainsaw with a special hamster-disemboweling blade.
That I can even articulate it is something that I attribute to the antidepressant meds. I know what the full-blown attack is like, the need to run away and hide from this thing that's in your own head. At least this time it's split enough that I can feel it-- muted but still present-- and think about it at the same time.
Cohesiveness: everything is getting away from me. I am too scattered in my energies, doing what I call the squirrel dance: the squirrel runs part way across the road, then panics and darts back and forth trying to figure out which way to go. The technical term for it is thrashing.
I resigned from a movie project today. I had begun to dread working on it, and it was affecting my performance, and I will not do that. Aside from not being fair to the other folks involved, it is not fair to myself. I have enough going on in my life that I need to concentrate on that I can't afford something (else) that is a major committment of both time and energy.
It sucks to admit that, and sucks hard, but I'm missing a good chunk of my life for the sake of thrashing. I haven't been centered for a long time, and it's leading me into a bad place emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
I can't remember the last time I just sat and listened to music, or read a book. Those are easy joys that I remember, yet I can't seem to justify the time: even taking the time to watch a DVD has to be research for me to be mildly comfortable. The idea of spending time with friends needs an event to make it happen, not just an impromptu drop-by.
The bottom of the Apollo re-entry module had an ablative coating: cork as I remember. It was designed to be sacrificed, burning off in the heat of re-entry, charring and taking with it the heat so that the precious cargo inside would remain undamaged.