I'm feeling... hard to describe, but the Germans have a word for it: Unzufriedenheit. Closest Englisher word is probably discontent or dissatisfaction.
I applied for the home equity loan online. I hate to borrow money. In this case, it's necessary, and the credit union is excellent to deal with and they usually have a two-day or less turnaround, so I'm not feeling extra squishy about it. It just feels like I've failed somehow. Silly, I know, but I've worked damn hard to get out of debt (or at least consumer debt), and borrowing money feels like letting the leeches back in.
With the loan, I can get the windows and remaining materials for the porch and the front of the house, as well as the interior repairs that I need to do. I'm gonna need help for some of this. Getting the windows and doorway sets in will take at least two people, probably three or four. Capable lifters. Those big-ass windows are gonna be heavy, and the doorways are horrendous to move at a couple hundred pounds apiece.
All of this is working toward a goal, I know. Getting the Big Broken Box™ unbroken is designed to allow for a refinance, which builds a new garage/studio space and puts me in the place to be making movies again-- for real-- and oy, that is something that is painfully missing from my life. I've been watching bits and pieces of things I've done, and it's just screaming to me to get back on the pony and ride. Not only that, but getting into a place where I don't have to do something all the time will maybe let me get back in the creative mode that I want to be in, and allow me some time to do all these fun things that I want to do, like be social and actually have people over without worrying that they will be eaten by the thing in the basement.
"Congratulations, I have an approval for your home equity application!"
Jeebus, that was fast.