1. Lie. This is basic and effective. To maximize bad results, lie
about something important to the other person(s) and arrange to be
caught in the lie in such a way as to produce maximum shock.
Additional stress points awarded for keeping the lie going for a while
before discovery, which increases the disorientation and sense of
betrayal in the deceived person(s). Lying about sex gets double
points. Lying about being married gets triple f***-up
points. Creative lies of omission (i.e. "not telling") with fancy
rationalizations and condescension get gold stars.
2. Avoid self-knowledge. This is more elegant than strategy 1, as it
combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of distraction aimed at
oneself. This tactic is most effective when combined with tactics 3
and 4. Self-destructive or addictive behaviour has also been found
very effective in avoiding self-knowledge by our researchers. When
combined with an endearing attitude of helplessness, this strategy has
been proven efficacious in attracting "rescuers" or "white knights" on
whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3, in that order.
3. Blame the other person(s). If anything went wrong, hey, it must be
their fault, right? This eliminates the need for messy things like
communication and negotiation, which can be embarrassing, particularly
if one is using strategy 2.
4. Disclaim responsibility. This is a little more complex than
strategy 3, and often includes what is referred to as "codependency".
The classic way to play this strategy is to cater to the partner(s)
involved while repressing one's own desires and questions. This
allows a good head of resentment to build up, and one can justify
anger by saying one has done so *much* for one's partner(s) and gets
no thanks, etc. In its most refined state, this strategy makes the
other person(s) responsible for setting the direction, pace and
content of the relationship, for which one can them blame them if
one's own expectations or needs are not met. Using strategy 2 to
avoid knowledge of these expectations and needs gets double points.
5. Push. This is an art, albeit a crude one. When augmented with
strategy 6, pushing can achieve spectacular negative results in even a
short time. Remember, when pushing, only *your* satisfaction counts!
It's a dog eat dog world, and you're a pit bull. Emotional and mental
bullying can be as satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and
not nearly as easily prosecutable.
6. Play on insecurity. This is an old favorite. Using sexual
insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5 is a
four-star winner. Attempting to control one's partner(s) by
manipulating them through their insecurities is a sure-fire f***-up
tactic. It's so much more delicate than simply beating them up, too,
though the resultant emotional damage can be remarkably similar.
7. Avoid intimacy. This may seem paradoxical; after all, we're
talking about getting up-close and personal with as many hot bi babes
-- er, ahem -- we're discussing achieving satisfyingly close
relationships with a number of people, right? The trick of avoiding
intimacy can be performed in several ways, but the easiest is to
confuse intimacy with "rubbing slippery bits together". Substitute
the words "sex" and "love" for each other often in conversations.
Repeat the mantra, "If you loved me, you'd know what I want."
Practice strategy 8 assiduously, supplementing it with strategy 2.
According to the needs of the moment, figure out whether action or
words are more likely to be ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with
what gives you the most plausible deniability later. Some
exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of
being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold. Study sales
techniques for pointers. People with good "lines" fall into this
category, especially if the lines include explanations of how they
truly *value* the other person.
8. Don't talk. Talking has been known to lead to communication if
practiced carelessly. Communication will seriously impair your
f***-up progress, and in certain cases will halt or reverse it
entirely. If you *must* talk, use cliches and quotations from popular
songs as much as possible, or fall back on strategy number 1.
If all else fails, make a safer-sex agreement with your partner(s) and
then break it, contracting a communicable disease about which you do
not then tell them. Double points for avoiding all discussion or
negotiation of sexual matters entirely so that the "agreement" is
wishful thinking and completely deniable. For a coup de grace, add
strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn't have happened if they had been
satisfying you like they were supposed to.
9. For the ultimate metaf***-up, remain technically faithful to your
partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have
whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum
fear, shame and resentment. Some people win the grand prize with the
figleaf-and-stinging-nettle cluster for self-inflicted suffering and
wasted potential by managing to keep this strategy up until death do
them part, concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been
shamming happiness all these years.
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