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I feel a little dead inside.

In my head, I know that there is a lot of hormonal stuff happening to my body and there are bound to be something of an emotional rollercoaster ride, but it's hard to intellectualize when you're inside of the bottle of blues.

There is pretty much constant pain, like a dull ache in various places in my abdomen and lower back. I know why they're there, but they're still there, and constant. That doesn't help with my mood overall. Add to that the only painkiller I can take now is Tylenol, and it means I'm pretty much slated for pain for a while.

Work is being a butt. We're gonna be losing our contract software engineer, and he's been really key to what we've been doing. And the higher-ups are moving in a direction that will pretty much require a software re-architecture, but aren't going to allow the time to do the re-architecture, so I'm gonna get swallowed up in that whole mess and I just don't have the passion for it.

The Big Broken Box™ is a mess, and I don't have the energy to clean it and get doing the work that I need to do to finish the porch and the rest of the work that needs to be done. I have a week left until I am off of weight lifting restrictions, but even then I have to be careful. And its goddamn cold.

Money's tight-- I had to pay for the six months of car insurance today, and I need to pay the house payment yet this month. The federal income tax return is slated for the siding that needs to happen this spring. And the gas bill has been pretty outrageous with the cold weather, so it's gonna be tight for at least a month. My original plan had me pouring and making the stone veneer this winter, but that seems out of the question because of the investment I need to make in materials and supplies, not to mention the weight of bags of cement and sand and such.

My creativity feels stunted. I haven't been able to write worth shite, and I've had no urges to pick up the camera, at least none enough to actually do it.

I feel bored and restless, bound and caged. Empty. Unfulfilled. And now, all whiny.


Feb. 14th, 2008 12:37 am (UTC)
yah...so there. I've been considering medication but I need to pay to talk to a docotor to get recommended for a shrink so that I can prescribed drugs that I then have to pay for. It's a financial burden I just can't afford right now.

So instead I've been wading through life hoping to hell I can just make it until spring.

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