Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam
magicmarmot

Somewhere along the path of life, I seem to have lost my way.

I'm having memory issues. I remembered something yesterday at work, something I remembered with confidence, and it was wrong. What I remembered was a composite of two things that I had worked on at the same time. I confused them. That's scary, because I rely on my brain for pretty much everything, and if I'm doubting my recall...

When you learn to fly, you learn to trust your instruments implicitly. When you're flying, your eyes can fool you, but your instruments never lie.

Until they malfunction. And that strikes fear into the heart of every pilot who has ever flown IFR.

That's what it's like.

It's different than just forgetting something. That happens a lot. This is erroneous recall, fully confident. This isn't *MEMORY ERROR*, this is *EVERYTHING'S FINE, DAVE*.

Open the pod bay doors, HAL. Daddy needs to swim in the void.

I used to have a vision of what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. Somewhere along the way, that got derailed. I'm sort of in a holding pattern now, waiting for something that will never come.

I should stop waiting, but it's not really a conscious thing like I'm saying "no, I'll wait for this to happen".

I did some dishes last night. Fixed the boiler. Took a look at the stone molds that I picked up yesterday from the UPS place on Broadway. Took the dog for walkies. I suppose it's not entirely mundane, but it's far from where I wanted... want... to be.

And maybe that's not real either. The wants have changed as I've gotten older. That's normal, nobody wants to be a fireman forever (except maybe firemen).

But I'm not really happy. I'm happy when I'm doing something, happy when I'm creating something, and I haven't been creative for quite a while.

Carrot. Stick. Makes me the donkey.
Tags: angst, babble, navel gazing
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