Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

There is an element of hatred in me today. Anger, narrowly focused, forced through a orifice so tight that what comes out the other side can cut through stone. Undirected, it's dangerous, and it has no real direction this day.
My aim for the day is to either find a target for my wrath, or reduce the pressure to a point where instead of destroying whatever gets in my way, it becomes more of a being-peed-on kind of annoyance.

I'm okay in this instance with being merely annoying.

Self-wrath: I am unhappy with a lot of aspects of my life. Yes, I am taking steps to change things, and yes there is a lot that needs to change, and yes I have goals in mind for many of these things. At the same time, I'm not where I need to be, I'm not even close. And that pisses me off in a manner I can't even describe. I should be doing things, I should be fixed, I should be moving ahead with my life, and instead I'm in this tiered holding pattern, levels of some minor hell.

I had plans to do things this weekend. I need to diagnose the problem with the power windows on the 'Sploder. It was nice outside, and I didn't do that. I need to clean up the outside of the house, collect the construction debris from the front and dispose of it in a decent manner. I didn't do that either. I could have done laundry, or continued cleaning in the basement, or written, or done dishes, or pretty much anything that would have brought me one step closer.

I ended up shooting a few seconds worth of footage with Darthcam so I could test a particular effect that I want to try out, and got it converted to 24p. That took maybe an hour, and I didn't actually do anything with it yet.

I know that I shouldn't jump all over myself for a wasted weekend, but knowing and doing are two different things. And I need to start doing, and nopt just thinking about doing.

Then there are women. More precisely, there are my relationships with women. Yes, yes, I have been holding off exploratory noodling in the dating pool, and not without reason. My rate of dating success has been less than stellar, and with my current life in such a state of disarray, I don't feel like I have a base from which to work.

And really, shouldn't I have some sense of accomplishment before I start putting myself out there? Some established rock on which to build my ego so that it is not as easily assailed?

And there is the by now well-known consideration that I don't fit into the dating pool as easily as I once did. My flavor of geekdom is an outlier even amongst the geek world, and I am more nerd than geek. But even then, I am off the beaten path far enough that even my triscuits are round.

That would be a lame metaphor. Writer's block sucks.

I need to discover a different dating pool, a different social grazing ground from which to cull my harem. One which revels in the literal skeletons in my closet and the brain jar in the kitchen, one which thinks that my nifty blood recipe is damn cool, one which finds the idea of spending a months full of weekends shooting a monster movie to be the epitome of truculent fun.

I have no need to breed, no desire to extend my bloodline any farther than it has already extended itself. That's another outlier just by itself.

I don't have an inherent need for induced drama. Life has its own set of dramas that it will produce just fine without my adding to them.

I do have a need for physicality, a spectrum from affection to sex, and I want that to be comfortable and fun. Ridgid stricture isn't my thing, nor is being smacked around like a butter churn. I don't want dependence, I don't want slavery, I don't want worship. I want a partner, someone supportive and confident within herself, someone without an overblown ego, yet with a kind of quiet strength. Someone with passion and creativity.

And I have no clue where to find it.

Another part of this is my sense of readiness. Since I don't find myself complete, I don't think I can be a decent partner in a relationship. My weight is a big part of that, in that I have a goal to hit before I will consider myself "finished", and that's still a long ways off-- probably another year and a half. Having to be patient for that is the shits.

I know its out there. I just don't know where there is.
Tags: relationshipship, self-musing

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