Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam
magicmarmot

To continue...

Emotional maturity being on the watchlist, I recognize that a great deal of my preoccupation with my weight and body shape and appearance stems from that being a notable part of attraction for my own desires. That stripper-shape ideal is still the archetype for me, and I don't think that's ever going to change-- it's wired in pretty hard. It doesn't mean that I'm radar-locked into it like I once was, and I've learned to be a lot more appreciative of woman-shapes that are different. I'm still very attracted to exhibitionism though, and body confidence.

In the overall maturation and mellowing of my needs and desires, I've come to recognize that what I really want is a partner, someone to share with on an equal footing, someone to balance out my weirdness with their own. And as I've become aware of my tying a lot of interests together as the creation of illusion (I wanted to be a magician when I was younger), what's been forming out of the mist is that my ideal archetype-woman, rather than being an emotionally stable stripper, is more of a magician's assistant.

If you take away anything about stage magic, it's that the term "assistant" is misleading. She's very often the one who makes the magic work; the assistant part is a bit of misdirection, a part of the meta-illusion that provides the framework for the rest of the illusions to work.

She's someone who knows his secrets and keeps them. She's someone who understands how the tricks work, but also understands the value in not breaking the illusion. She's also pretty, part dancer, part actor, part contortionist. She's smart, she gets the joke.

It's not a complete analogy, really. And it's not that I need a complete analogy, more of a sketch that is something better than "emotionally stable stripper".

There is another aspect of this, and that is reflection. It is not without considerable thought that I plunk down that in my behind-the-scenes roles in filmmaking, that perhaps I am indeed the one that makes the magic happen, that I take the backseat to the fame and fortune that is the magician's forte, that I am to be the assistant to the one who is in the spotlight.

It may be a better fit. As much as I love the limelight, I find a great joy in being the one that makes the magic happen from the background. Being in the foreground is rarely as glamorous as it would seem to be on the surface.

So there's a lot of churning happening. Layers upon layers of stuff that chain back to my childhood, all getting disturbed and distorted.

It's hard for an old attention whore.
Tags: love, romance, self-musing, sex
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