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Jun. 21st, 2008

Brief lull before heading out to the commando meeting.

I've been withholding a lot lately, withdrawn. It's a defense mechanism, a way of coping with issues that can sometimes be complex and overwhelming. It's a way of regrouping, circling the wagons to try and find a center again.

I'm spread way too thinly right now. That's kind of on purpose too, because when I'm busy working on something, I don't have time to brood, or at least it seems less possible. And really, a dark and brooding marmot doesn't have the same appeal as a dark and brooding Angel or Spike. I don't do emo well.

I've pretty much set my sights on the convention, getting to it, being there as a presence of sorts, changing things up a bit. Some loss, some gain; I'd go into the foibles but it would sound whiny, even to me. I can accept change and even embrace it, and in some capability turn it into a new opportunity. It means changing the way I look at things, measure them, and so on. And maybe it's time for some changes.

Maybe it's always been time.

Some things I know I need to change just for my own health and overall sanity. Some things I don't know how to get there from here yet, but I'm trying. Some things are thrust at me as needing to be taken care of NOW, others are capable of being coaxed and nurtured and explored.

There's hard stuff ahead. Rewarding stuff, I'm sure. Learning how to manage it and manage consistently is a trick that I'm still trying to learn. I make mistakes. I try to own up to them and learn from them and be all responsible for my own shit. And I'm doing decently well. I'm making progress, seeing visible signs of improvement in a lot of ways, seeing visible room for improvement in others.

I'm not perfect. But I'm still pretty good.

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