Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

Caught a glimpse of myself sideways in the mirror this morning. I'm unrecognizable-- or more that I'm recognizable in an old-me sense, like I'm beginning to look more like this nebulous self-image I have of me. Still not wow-'em pretty, but a whole lot closer than I've been since college.

And there is discard, bits of myself that I leave behind with good riddance.

One of the things that they tell you about this surgery is that it is life-changing in a fundamental way, within the same scope as gender reassignment surgery, and that is why there is such a hefty pre-screening process. And really, it has changed some very fundamental things about my life: not just physical changes like what I can eat and when, but with attitude and mood as well. I'm a different person, a different personality.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

To tell the truth, I'm feeling the stirrings of vanity. See, there's this change that I'm heading towards, that I'm on the cusp of. A hundred pounds ago, it didn't really matter what I wore, my perception of myself was such that I always looked the same, like a 55-gallon trash bag stuffed with cottage cheese. Now I'm in a place where I'm inside the bell curve enough where when people look at me, they don't see the fat guy, they see me and are more accepting and willing to take me as a person with things to offer in a human sense. My interactions with people when I'm out walking Sadie-- the "norms"-- have increased considerably.

There's a part of that that pisses me off. The body is the package, the prison, the outer form, and not the thing that makes me _me_. Yet I am noticeably more accepted since I'm so much less, shifted so much toward the center. And I'm still quite a way out on the bell curve.

Compare it to making a judgement about someone because of the car they drive. If their car is an old rustbucket, we think less of them automatically. If their car is full of dents or has the bumper duct taped in place, we think less of them. It's a conditioned response, something learned, not inherent or instinctive. Now imagine never being able to leave that car, and having everyone make judgements about you-- unconsciously or not-- all the time. Yes, not everybody does it, and not everybody does it to the same degree, but it's there.

I got a taste of what it's like to be attractive over CONvergence weekend. A small taste, but one that leaves me wanting more. A bit of fantasy, a bit of role-playing, but genuine enough.

It's also a time of great transition, which I need to keep in mind. There's a lot of temptation out there, and there's a certain amount of vulnerability that I have that could lead to making some bad decisions. Consideration, knowledge, integrity, strength.

It's a weird place to be.

Tags: bariatric, self-musing
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