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Once again, after recovering somewhat from CONvergence, I'm starting to look at my life and rediscover some things that I've put on hold for a while. Ranking high amongst them is my romantic/love/dating blob (I don't know what to call it, since it is rather formless and void), and how my previous avoidance tactics may be outdated and unapplicable.

The big question is whether I still want to avoid any romantic entanglements, and that's a complicated question.

There's a huge boost of self-confidence that I've been rimming through the past couple of weeks; things have gone well and have pointed out things to me hard enough that I could get them through my thick skull. I'm in a better place mentally and physically than I've been for a very long time... pretty much since before you have ever heard of me.

Emotionally? That's a whole different set of alligator boots. There's the possibility of unfounded glee and dashed hopes if I don't reign in my headlong gallop into woman-world, and nobody wants that, least of all me. I want to proceed with caution, but proceed indeed.

It's the entanglements part that scribes the dirty words on the walls of my psyche. I've managed to stay out of a lot of drama in the past couple of years, and it's been a nice respite. I have this feeling that any kind of a romantic relationship is gonna open up the doors to all that again, and I need to juggle whether it's something I'm willing to risk. I know it should be, but I just don't have the callouses on my cold, dead soul that I used to have.

There are also the physical and biological changes that I'm going through. I'm coming up on six months post-surgery, so I still have a year and a half of adjusting to go. With that adjusting comes altered moods and frameworks, changing body chemistry, the possibility of more surgery, all sorts of nifty arglebargle.

I should probably steady out a bit before plunging into a neckline somewhere.

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( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
alisgray
Jul. 11th, 2008 06:48 pm (UTC)
it's sort of difficult not to rush around, but usually a good idea to look first. so it goes. :)
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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