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I don't remember where I originally heard the admonition that women are like buses or there are other fish in the sea when flailing about with my dating woes, but I'll blame my mother who was full of meaningless platitudes of this sort.

Women aren't really like buses, it's merely a handy and thinly disguised metaphor for saying two different things:
1.) Women are as common and utilitarian as public transportation
2.) Women aren't particularly special, and are rather handily replaced by an identical or similar model by just changing the number.

Neither one of which is a viewpoint that I subscribe to.

Every woman that I've been involved with in some fashion or other has been pretty far from common or utilitarian, none of them were "replacable" by any other in that they were all unique and complex, and none of them smelled like diesel fuel or had handholds on the inside for when the ride got rough (at least none I could find).

Every relationship I've ever had with a woman has been singular and wonderful and terrible each in their own way. I have learned over time that there are some things that are just better for me to avoid, some behaviors that are like waving a big CAUTION flag.

I get that a lot, the whole "you look good on paper, but I just don't feel the chemistry" thing. Enough now that when you tell me this, I may get snarky with you. Or I may not, depending on how tired I am.

If there's something specific about why you're just not feeling it, then tell me. I'm much more amenable to something of substance than just a nebulous "No, I don't know why, I just don't find you attractive, and I really should. I mean, I'm not all that picky-- hell, I dated a homeless guy for three years and he smelled like liquor and piss pretty much all the time, and he was actually clinically dead for the last two months-- but I just get no feeling of attraction from you at all; in fact, I find you a little repellent. Not a lot, just a little".

And really, you don't have to come up and tell me this if I've never even met you before. There is very little more discouraging than to have a complete stranger come up to you and say "wow, I've never met anyone who I find less attractive than you, and normally I wouldn't say anything but holy crap, I just couldn't pass up this opportunity to tell you that if you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman and the very fate of humanity were our burden to undertake by reproducing, I would rather see if interspecies reproduction could possibly work.".

As for the whole reproduction thing: I don't want to be a parent. I made that decision long ago, and there has been nothing that has magically burst forth in my breast like some fatherly flower blooming to give me some sprinkle of epiphanies that fatherhood is the most wonderful thing ever. You wanting to be a parent is just fine; maybe we can compromise, and for every baby that's born, we'll flip a coin: heads you get to keep and raise it as one of your own; tails, I get to keep it for one of my "experiments". That seems entirely fair. Wait, why are you running away?

Much like Popeye, I yam what I yam. I'm unlikely to change to fit some idea of perfection in your mind, and you're unlikey to succeed at making me fit some mold that you have. And I in turn am not going to try to fit you into the porpoise suit that I have in the back of my closet.

What brings on this subtle vehemence? I don't really know. It's a mixture of slights real and perceived, messages and body cues and self-recrimination; a mixture of stimulation and conciliation and redress of old wrongs, rediscovery of validation, knowledge that having been right that doesn't make things any better.

Women are like buses. Some of them crash really really hard, and people near them get hurt.

It's quite possible that I can be too intense when meeting someone new. I don't try to be, but sometimes, particularly when it's in a larger social setting, I can be very ON, kind of in performance mode. If I catch it, I can usually dial it back, but it becomes a kind of default mode when meeting new folks in a particular kind of geek-fueled soiree. It's kind of why I prefer a quieter one-on-one setting for actually getting to know someone after an initial introduction; I'm much more at peace one-on-one. It's getting to that second place that's usually a lot more difficult.


( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 21st, 2008 06:42 pm (UTC)
lighten the fuck up. You are the woman.
Jul. 21st, 2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
It's one of my cranky days.
Jul. 21st, 2008 08:21 pm (UTC)
If she's not into you, she can always go fuck herself. Really.

Know that you are worth something and it will make it more obvious that you're worth something to other people.

Blah, blah, blah... all platituded out now.
Jul. 21st, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC)
Platitudes ahoy, but nonetheless.

Going and fucking herself is always a good option. I'm just severely cranky today.
Jul. 21st, 2008 08:28 pm (UTC)
If I could offer up one thought -

Perhaps the women meeting are you are feeling you analyzing them (whether you are or not) and rather than risk rejection from you they put up defenses first ... a la - come here, come here, come here ... oh get away, get away, get away ...

But then again what the hell do I know about this stuff>

Jul. 21st, 2008 08:53 pm (UTC)

Damn defenses.

I always analyze my prey first.
Jul. 21st, 2008 09:02 pm (UTC)
Careful. Sometimes your prey is a man eater herself.
Jul. 21st, 2008 09:25 pm (UTC)
So far not so much. I doubt I make that interesting of prey.
Jul. 21st, 2008 11:07 pm (UTC)
my dad had a couple of old chestnuts that all started with "how is a ship like a woman?"

Jul. 22nd, 2008 12:07 am (UTC)
Neither is good on a bagel?
Jul. 22nd, 2008 12:34 am (UTC)
1) costs so much to keep her in paint and powder
2) rigging is worth more than the hull
3) if you'd ever tried to steer one you'd know.

they all annoyed me.
Jul. 22nd, 2008 12:42 am (UTC)
Perhaps it was the intent?

Mine is more of a psychological housecleaning.
Jul. 22nd, 2008 12:27 am (UTC)
You surprised me with the bus metaphor
I thought it was going to be something about having an emergency exit in the back...
Jul. 22nd, 2008 12:46 am (UTC)
Re: You surprised me with the bus metaphor
I don't work brown.
Jul. 22nd, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
That would be the UPS metaphor...
"What can brown do for you?"
Jul. 22nd, 2008 01:18 am (UTC)
Re: That would be the UPS metaphor...
I will not condone a women are like UPS trucks sub-thread.


No, no, no.
Jul. 22nd, 2008 01:32 am (UTC)
Re: That would be the UPS metaphor...
Per a previous post of mine... As I learned in training... sometimes the UPS truck BLOWS UP!

wheee!!! dis lolcat do not care if marmot do not want UPS thread. tralalaalalala Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Jul. 22nd, 2008 02:13 am (UTC)
Re: That would be the UPS metaphor...
marmot is not listening to redhead la la la la la la la...
Jul. 22nd, 2008 02:37 am (UTC)
Re: That would be the UPS metaphor...
ooh! oohh! I even have an idea for an analogy about Special Deliveries!!!
Jul. 24th, 2008 11:01 pm (UTC)
*looks up*

Oh dear.

*laughs at silly redhead and silly marmot*

SRSLY, tho. If someone is not into you, they can take a hike. There's no need for anyone to go into painful detail over why they may not find someone attractive. That behavior alone ought to tell you that you're LUCKY she didn't find you hot.... that one'd be painful to extricate, methinks.

And: You have a porpoise outfit in the back of your closet? really??? Do tell!!!
Jul. 24th, 2008 11:38 pm (UTC)
Well, it's got a rather specific porpoise to it, so it's not something I pull out every time. I'm more likely to break out the GI Joe costumes and play dress-up.

With a friend, not by myself.

By myself would just be weird.
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )

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