I've been feeling really down lately. Kind of antisocial, a vague feeling of being uneasy around people, even friends. I've been trying to work on it, but there have been some happenings lately that are reinforcing the self-loathing feelings that accompany social anxiety.
Instance: a few days ago, we had an auction where I auctioned off my services in various guises: photographer, handyman, masseur.
The photography one went amazingly well, and the handyman did pretty good, but the masseur was really pitiful compared to what I thought it would do. One of the reasons that I put the massage in the auction was that some of the folks that were there have talked about wanting a massage for quite a while, and they didn't bid.
Okay, I can see where the guys might not be awfully happy with the idea of being touched by another guy, but of the women that were there, only one of them bid and that was for her mother.
And I've also given backrubs to most of the people that were at the auction. I don't really consider there to be that much of a difference between a backrub and a full massage, other than the time and intensity, and possibly the nakedness (although you are covered by a sheet).
But is there something in general that getting a massage from a friend might be uncomfortable, or is it me? Am I just being paranoid, or is there some reluctance because they don't like the idea of me touching their flesh? And if so, is it something I said or did?
I suppose I could ask, but I don't want to appear foolish.