January 14th, 2003


Last night I had a dream.

I was Xander, in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Willow had somehow been cloned into multiple willows, and I was in the Magic Box, helping keep watch over the Mischevious Willow. Somehow she had found some very powerful magical artifact, and was wanting to play with it: it was a blue crystal snake with a silver hood over its head, and when the hood was on, it was like a loaded weapon. I had to take it away from Mischevious Willow, and I took the head off and put the pieces in my pocket (snake in the front left pocket of my trousers, silver hood in the left shirt pocket). Mischevious willow called me a Bad Man, and hit me with a fistful of curses. The first one felt like a dog was biting my butt. The second one was that everything that I experienced would be swapped left-for-right, and another one was that my girlfriend's ex-boyfriend would become a berzerker. Because I was Xander, I didn't worry about that one because I didn't have a girlfriend, but I went to find the real Willow so we could get the curses lifted. There were two others that I don't remember.

Somehow I ended up on an elevator going upstairs into some sort of college dorm, and when I stepped off, sure enough, everything was swapped left for right. I wandered down the hall, and when I rounded a corner into a common area, a guy on a ladder was pointting a gun at me. Turns out that we were supposed to be making a movie-- John Lovitz was in the corner wearing vampire makeup-- and I had forgotten about it completely. Mark down another one for the curses.

I finally found Buffy on a couch in the common room. There were a couple other people around having a conversation, but she pretty much looked bored. I leaned over the couch and started telling her about what had happened with Mischevous Willow and the curses, when I felt the overwhelming desire to start kissing her neck. Then I moved slowly up to her lips, and had a very slow, gentle kiss going... until suddenly it came to me that her ex-boyfriend was a vampire...

Then the doorbell rang (for real), and I woke up. Misordered pizza delivery for somebody named Eliza.

The kiss was amazing though.
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Stuck in a rut

I've become a hermit again.

A while ago, I was a hermit, basically avoiding human contact. Had a lot to do with depression.

I'm spending a lot of time awake late at night. I'm feeling like I need to create something, like I need to give birth to an idea, but it's riding right below the surface.

I have a lot of work to do. I'm avoiding doing it. A lot of it is cleaning, generally getting rid of the accumulated crap of the last several months. I'm getting it done slowly, but I'm pretty frustrated at how much there is to do. The studio is packed, and it has to be cleared out for shooting and recording, and the living room/dining room needs a thorough excavation. And today I pretty much sat on my ass. Okay, I did do some job-surfing and a little bit of cleaning, but at this rate it will be somewhere in 2005 before I'm done. And because I'm feeling so unaccomplished, I'm feeling unworthy of being with people.

And yeah, I can intellectualize all I want, but I still feel like I want to hide in a small dark room and snuggle in a comfy chair, read books, watch movies, and listen to audio.


Headache. The hippo that lives in my head is doing the bump-n-grind, and it hurts.

It's also very cold. Enough so that my fingers aren't working very well. Typing is slow and full of misteahles. When I just went downstairs the temp in the dining room was 56 degrees.

I have managed a couple of accomplishments. I put together some video clips and uploaded them to the Yahoo group. One of them is an effects shot that is really quite nice. Though it looks like I may have run out of space now.