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January 22nd, 2003

Winter of our Incontinence

I'm reading a book by Orson Scott Card: Enchantment.

I'm really getting into this book. Getting into it so much that when I woke up and was reading a couple of chapters, two hours had elapsed without my even recognizing it. Getting into it so much that when I finally put it down, My head was reeling with the emotion of the story in the same way that happens when you wake up from a really powerful dream, and it seeps in to your waking life. Getting into it so much that I want to escape into the reality of that world.

And that makes me wonder. Yes, it is escapist fiction, and that's what it's designed to do. But it's pull is so strong that I have to look and see what things about my life are so bad that I'm wanting to run away so hard.

Part of the book is a love story. There is a sense of alienation in some of the characters, a sense of isolation that I am so strongly identifying with that it's scary. Am I so isolated and alienated that I need to run, or is it something else that looms larger in the distance for which the isolation is but a symptom?

I wonder if I am pushing away those close to me. I don't mean to, but in my present state of mind, I feel like I would drage everyone down that is near me, and it's better if I just go hide away from everyone.

Part of that is that I get a lot of my self image from what I do. I am very good at what I do, but when I'm not doing it, I no longer have that feed into my self-confidence, and I am naked and unprotected. And right now I'm doing the squirrel dance, thrashing back and forth trying to find my true path.

I am trying to understand some of the inner workings of myself, but I don't understand. It's like I don't have the language to describe what I'm feeling, or to be able to decipher it. The closest I can come to describing my feelings right now involves shapes, textures, smells, and an color that I can only describe as deep. An image, like a fur-covered fish/mammal turning and swimming away into the darkness.

So why do I want to run away into this enchanted world where there is pain and isolation and fear? Is my reality so scary and lonely that this world would be preferable?

It could be that it's just a really good book.

http://www.hatrack.com/

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There may be snow on the roof...

Temperature update: It's currently 52 degrees in the dining room. I'm wearing a flannel quilted shirt and felt slippers, sitting by a space heater in the studio. I'm thinking seriously of going back into the bedroom and curling up under the blankets with the dog and a good book.

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Falling into the meme trap

What do you do to make money? Printing press in the basement.
Do you like it? It's a tool, much like any other.
Look to your left: Okay. Now what?
Look to your right: Stand up sit down, fight, fight, fight?
Which book has changed the way you live? The telephone book.
Have you ever left someone you loved? Yes, on an almost daily basis.
Has someone you loved ever left you? No. When they try, I lock them in the basement. I have a big basement. It has a printing press in it.
The president has asked to see you, what do you say? Wanna see my basemet?
A beautiful woman is over at your house, what music do you put on? Something loud to cover the screams coming from the basement. (alternative answer: I would probably put on pants.)
What is your favorite poster in your house? Me.
Behind your back people call you: On the telephone?
Had you an army, which country would you invade: The undiscovered country. Then it would be easy.

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Too f*cking cold

Barb came home and was cooking, and came upstairs to tell me that there was no water in the kitchen faucet.

Yes, it actually got cold enough in the kitchen to fucking freeze the faucet up.

Space heater in the kitchen now, doing the thawing thing.

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