June 19th, 2003


In Dreams

This morning I fell asleep in the shower.

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Today I am very body-unaware. I'm walking into stuff left and right, bouncing off of walls and generally being clumsy.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

Next to oddliness

Various bits of soul-searching.

I know that I've been hiding from my feelings as of late. Unexplained as to why. Possibly because of medication, partly due to overwhelming stress, partly due to massive life-changing events happening in my world.

If I had to try and pick one descriptive word, it would probably be "dissatisfaction". I am not where I want to be in just about every area of my life right now. And yeah, a lot of that is because I want to be so many things. But I can't settle on just one thing.

I suppose if I ever get to be those things I want to be, I won't have anything to look forward to.

I'm dissatisfied with the latest movie-making stuff. It's really Tony's movie. He'd the writer, director & editor, I'm just the cinematographer and all around tech guy. I'll also be doing a lot of the postproduction stuff. I'm happy with the work I did, but it's not really my movie. So I'm left with a feeling of accomplishment, but a need for a more direct experience.

I'm dissatisfied that I haven't done any photo shoots in the studio for well over a year now.

I'm dissatisfied that I don't have my electronics lab set up yet.

I'm dissatisfied that I haven't learned Java yet.

I'm dissatisfied that my list of fun projects to-do has grown longer without growing very much shorter. This does make sense in a weird way.

I've grown artistically and creatively, but I think I crave recognition. I want acceptance and admiration.

Ooo-eee, I think we're onto something there.

Profundity of the day:
Words are simply shadows of an idea.
It's up to you to make them real.
  • Current Mood
    touched touched

work avoidance therapy

Having a difficult day. Trying to trace through source code, and I keep running into brick walls. This is a monster project, and all the links don't fit in the workspace. So I currently have a lot of small pieces unconnected by anything.

I wish I was outside enjoying the nice weather. It's damn close to a perfect day for me. I'll most likely end up driving with all the windows down, and that means that my driving arm will get even darker than it already is. I'm notceably tanned on my left arm from the elbow down. :)

You are in a public bathroom. Someone comes in with a dozen eggs and walks into a stall. You hear a lot of grunting, then they walk out and throw the now empty egg carton in the trash.

What do you do?