December 31st, 2004



The new year is almost upon us.

My plans for the night pretty much involve staying indoors and watching
DVDs. And as much as I joke about it, it's really by choice. I'm not
feeling particularly social as of late, and I have a buttload of DVDs
that I haven't watched yet (including the fabulous Ecks vs.

I'm also feeling very non-drink-y. And with the amount of drama that
I've seen lately that will likely come to a head at various parties, I'm
feeling more than a little standoffish.

I don't really have an urge to be getting kissed on new year's either.
Aside from the normal background crushes that is-- I'm not exactly dead.
But there isn't anybody special in my life that I have the urge to make
a special point of "being there at that moment" with, and it's not
really applicable. (Not that I don't mind a little snogging with a
pretty girl, it just has no meaning other than the pleasure of being in
the moment.)

The whole holiday season down here has been like a shadow. It's passed
by without my really taking notice, other than a few fleeting glimpses
caught out of the corner of my eye. Or maybe I've just chosen to ignore
it as much as possible. There is a certain air of banishment that comes
with being down here, a certain feeling of hermitage, isolation,
ensconcement. My fault, really. I could go out and meet new people,
attach myself to places and new friends, and generally be gregarious.

But I don't feel gregarious. I feel like curling up in bed and napping.
I feel like sitting on the couch and watching DVDs. I feel like writing
odd thoughts, bits of stories, and rants in my journal. I feel like
going to the gym and lifting weights until I can't move anymore.

It's a self-imposed exile in the Land of Pigs and Corn. And right now
all the pigs are inside and there isn't any corn left in the fields.

Not about you.

Perhaps I understand more now.

I know where you come from.

I know that you're not ready to accept an offered hand.

I know where the world looks shit colored when you wear the brown

I know that you have chosen a path, and even though you sometimes wonder
whether that path is right, you stay on it.

I know that you have lost friends because of a decision that you made.

I know that you are entrenched firmly in your self-pity, and you won't
come out when coaxed.

I know that sometimes you react in anger and frustration.

I know that sometimes you hate yourself.

I know that sometimes you do things that may not be the healthiest or
the smartest.

I know sometimes you have regret.

I know you're lonely.

I know that you say "never again", but you probably will.

You're only human.