December 31st, 2004

insane

Blarney

The new year is almost upon us.

My plans for the night pretty much involve staying indoors and watching
DVDs. And as much as I joke about it, it's really by choice. I'm not
feeling particularly social as of late, and I have a buttload of DVDs
that I haven't watched yet (including the fabulous Ecks vs.
Sever
).

I'm also feeling very non-drink-y. And with the amount of drama that
I've seen lately that will likely come to a head at various parties, I'm
feeling more than a little standoffish.

I don't really have an urge to be getting kissed on new year's either.
Aside from the normal background crushes that is-- I'm not exactly dead.
But there isn't anybody special in my life that I have the urge to make
a special point of "being there at that moment" with, and it's not
really applicable. (Not that I don't mind a little snogging with a
pretty girl, it just has no meaning other than the pleasure of being in
the moment.)

The whole holiday season down here has been like a shadow. It's passed
by without my really taking notice, other than a few fleeting glimpses
caught out of the corner of my eye. Or maybe I've just chosen to ignore
it as much as possible. There is a certain air of banishment that comes
with being down here, a certain feeling of hermitage, isolation,
ensconcement. My fault, really. I could go out and meet new people,
attach myself to places and new friends, and generally be gregarious.

But I don't feel gregarious. I feel like curling up in bed and napping.
I feel like sitting on the couch and watching DVDs. I feel like writing
odd thoughts, bits of stories, and rants in my journal. I feel like
going to the gym and lifting weights until I can't move anymore.

It's a self-imposed exile in the Land of Pigs and Corn. And right now
all the pigs are inside and there isn't any corn left in the fields.
insane

Not about you.

Perhaps I understand more now.

I know where you come from.

I know that you're not ready to accept an offered hand.

I know where the world looks shit colored when you wear the brown
glasses.

I know that you have chosen a path, and even though you sometimes wonder
whether that path is right, you stay on it.

I know that you have lost friends because of a decision that you made.

I know that you are entrenched firmly in your self-pity, and you won't
come out when coaxed.

I know that sometimes you react in anger and frustration.

I know that sometimes you hate yourself.

I know that sometimes you do things that may not be the healthiest or
the smartest.

I know sometimes you have regret.

I know you're lonely.

I know that you say "never again", but you probably will.

You're only human.