January 6th, 2005


Amo, amas, amat.

Early in the morning. Buttloads of snow, and the lone snow-removal dude is out there in a cold-as-hell front-end-loader trying to find places to put the snow he's plowing up. I figure if he's still going at 3 in the morning, at least he has job security.

Why am I awake? I woke up a while ago all stiff from the workout last night. A little over 2 hours. I really lose track of time in that place.
Can't say that I was having bad dreams, because I don't think I was asleep enough to be dreaming. Just uncomfortable. Thinking about relationships, and being a good guy, a nice guy, and what that means. Enough serendipity in the last couple of days to trigger those thoughts; whether I should be less the nice guy because it hasn't really worked out for me in the past, or whether I can even be anything else. How much of it is my nature, how much is behavior that I can change? Should I change?

The nature of all of my past relationships comes into question. They were all flawed in the same way, just different flavors, and that root characteristic is the thing that defines this issue for me: I'm a wonderful friend, a caring and devoted partner, the guy that you like to hang around with and be with, but you just can't think of in that way. I'm not exciting, or dangerous, or thrilling. I'm steady and comfortable.

And I'm really tired of that.

I'm like that old couch that you have, the one that looks really kinda ratty and worn, but is so comfy because it feels just right, but you're kind of ashamed of it when company comes over, so maybe you relegate it to the basement or donate it to Cinema Rex.

I'm dependable. And nice. And sweet. And smart and funny. And I have a great personality. And all of those things are qualities that you like in a friend, but rarely look for in a relationship. And the relationships that I've had have all really come from women that have needed a friend and decided to stay a while because it was comfortable and safe.

But they all eventually wanted something more.

I dunno. Maybe it's my role in life. Maybe my destiny is to be the good friend, the fall-back guy, the comfy couch. Maybe that's what I should be, what I need to be. Maybe there is some higher purpose that is served. Or maybe there isn't, and I'm just some schmuck who doesn't make the cut. A statistic.

However it works, I've made my decision. I don't want to be the comfy couch, I don't want to be the guy that you just don't think of in that way, I don't want to be the safe shelter until something better comes along. I want to be the first, best choice. I want to be admired. I want to be adored.

As the plowfucks say: It's a hard row to hoe.
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