April 6th, 2006


(no subject)

Feelin' almost perky today. Got no explanation fer it.

I once knew a psychic who worked with people in comas. He contacted their spirits, which were wandering in limbo between this world and the next, and tried to convince them to either fully return to their bodies or else let their bodies die and formally exit to the other side. The task you now face is nowhere as dramatically life-and-death as that, Taurus, but it's comparable in a sense: Being neither here nor there is a futile state that you shouldn't continue to accept. Do what's necessary to make the knotty choice with as much grace as possible.

Valid during several weeks: At this time you have to get in touch with your own subconscious mind, to find out how it directs your life in ways that you aren't aware of. Try to see how your actions may run counter to your conscious intentions. We all broadcast two kinds of signals to the outer world. One kind is what we think we are trying to do. The other kind, which are unconscious signals, tell people what we are really trying to do. If these two sets of signals do not coincide, it is not because you are intentionally trying to deceive, but you may confuse people or even worse, cause them to lose faith in what you are trying to do. This is not a time to be wrapped up in your ego. You must be prepared to acknowledge your faults and your virtues without fear or self-recrimination.

Must you always tell the truth? Let us hope not - for an awful lot of people are relying on you to keep their secrets. Think for a moment about what you know that a certain someone else does not. Consider the inside information that you are party to and which subtly influences your perspective on many matters. Now ask yourself this: what does another person know, that you don't know? Where might you be missing crucial information? How can you be so sure of all that you feel so sure of?

Gosh, I'm not sure.

The Onion horoscopes are better.

(no subject)

Girls Gone Wild Released Back Into Civilization

April 5, 2006

SOUTH PADRE ISLAND, TX—In what wildlifestyle reformation volunteers are calling a "positive step," the first group of rehabilitated Girls Gone Wild were released back into the civilized world Monday, and early signs indicate that they are adjusting smoothly, according to the director of the group responsible for their rescue.

"At first, the girls were disoriented," said Janet Ottley, director of the South Padre Island Wild Life Rescue Foundation. "They were frightened by the absence of familiar comforts such as overt male attention, binge drinking, and camcorders. But over time, we've seen improvement: so far, no reports of nipple exposure, so we're very hopeful."

The 11 girls were captured nearly one month ago during their annual spring migration to the area and then put through an intensive rehabilitation program. "They have come a very long way," Ottley said. "When we first brought them into our clinic, they could barely function beyond baring their breasts, and they communicated solely through loud, sustained hoots."

As their subspecies does every year, the Girls Gone Wild, roaming in packs, flocked to bars and clubs during the spring break migratory season. Lured by drink specials, promotional merchandise, and the chance to "go wild," they were discovered at Señor Chug Chug's, a nightspot where the girls gathered to perform a mating ritual in which brief nudity is exchanged for Jell-O shots and Smirnoff Ice trucker hats.

Rescue volunteers identified the Girls Gone Wild by their torn tank tops, threadbare Daisy Duke-style cutoff shorts, hair extension plumage, and bright orange skin with patterned lower-back markings.

Park ranger Jeff Macken, who assisted in the rescue effort, said they attracted the girls with bright lights similar to those of camera crews. "We had planned to catch them with a net, then sedate them," Macken said. "But we found that shooting them with tranquilizer darts was not as effective as taking a page from nature and putting Rohypnol in their exotic drinks."

The girls were put through an intensive recovery program and, over several weeks, slowly phased back into civilized behavior. Trainers gently conditioned them not only to reduce breast baring, but also to shower alone instead of in pairs or threesomes, and to drink from glasses rather than from each other's navels.

(Image: Captured Girls Gone Wild in a simulated classroom setting, where tracking collars that emit a slight shock are used to curb the girls' instinct to jump up on desks and remove their tops.)

Despite the girls' early positive response, Ottley said that there is still a risk that they could revert to their wild state, so she continued to severely restrict their exposure to the outside world. "Any proximity to a D-list celebrity, a song by Poison, or a neon beer bong could set reintegration back to square one," Ottley said.

In later stages, long-sleeved shirts and full-bottomed panties were reintroduced into their wardrobes. Finally, they were taught to engage in basic economic exchanges, rather than breast-jiggling for plastic beads.

Critics of the program argue that girls, after they've gone wild, can never function at the same level as girls who remain tame, and, once reintroduced into society, pose a threat to non-wild girls.

"Let's face it, they were in the wild too long," said Fort Lauderdale car-show organizer Daryl Dykstra. "At best, they might become spokesmodels, but only through hard work and constant validation." Dykstra reluctantly conceded that they might have some use as Hooters waitresses or tanning-salon clerks.

Ottley disagreed, saying that Girls Gone Wild are "entirely capable" of rejoining society.

"They will be tagged with radio-equipped belly-button rings to alert us of any sign of G-strings or wet T-shirts," Ottley said. "Continual monitoring is essential, because you never really know just how wild these girls could get."

(no subject)

"Intellectually" Intelligent

You're 'Intellectually Intelligent.' That pretty much means that you're good with theoretical ideas and concepts - but this comes to you naturally. More or less, you're a natural brainiac. Good for you.

40% theoretical intelligence
40% natural intelligence

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

(no subject)

Made it home from work in just under an hour tonight. Took some back roads-- all back roads actually-- no idea where I was going except for general direction. It was actually kinda fun, and I ended up driving through a rather exclusive Edina neighborhood with single-family homes the size of small planets. I'm kinda surprised I didn't get police called on my ass for having a vehicle more than five years old in that neighborhood.

Traffic ended up making me a little cranky, and my neck has a really sharp pain in it that would probably best be fixed by a chirodoc, but will have to be finagled through sleeping and drugs since I have neither access to a chirodoc or a lovely college girl with a talent for massage.

So now I shall curl up into a small fetal ball and try to sleep.