Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam
magicmarmot

Last night, I dreamt that I stepped in dogshit, and it wouldn't come
off. I think that may be tied to the apartment hunt-- most of the places
that I've seen so far are kinda dumpy-- I may have to raise the bar a
little.

I also had a dream that I had lost a lot of weight, and I hadn't
noticed. I had a relatively normal build, but I was tall. It was weird: I saw
myself in the mirror and it didn't look like me at all.

I have organized my personal goals list. I was able to group the list
into five categories, so I feel like I have five areas to work on. Three
of them I can get a handle on straight up:

strength & confidence
organization & discipline
health & fitness

The other two are a little more elusive:

emotions & relationships
happiness & contentment

Funny-- if you consider the first three to be more "masculine" areas
and the other two to be more "feminine", then I am all man. :)

I think the happiness & contentment category is hard for me because the
concepts themselves are nebulous. When I say I want to be happy and
content, what does that mean? Happy with myself? Happy with my situation?
And more to the point, how do I go about achieveing that? It's more
something that should flow out of other things, but I should still be able
to define it better. Maybe that's something I need to work on.

Emotions & relationships: I put these together because most of the
things that I had down for emotions had to do with understanding and
expressing them, and it struck me that if I'm expressing them, there has to
be somebody there for me to express them *to*. Yet it's still generic
enough that it covers friendships as well as romantic relationships.

Some of that will have to wait. I'm currently very confused about my
role in a relationship, and what Love is. I thought I understood at one
time, but maybe I've been wrong. Maybe I'm missing something.

Another thought comes to mind: I am very calming, safe, secure, and
healing. Does this make me more attractive to women that are *damaged*?
Because I can see that haunting me for the rest of my life.

I don't want to lose those aspects of myself. I like being safe and
secure. I like being nurturing and calming and loving. But I don't want to
continue being the rescuer, and that means that I have to be a lot
stronger in relationships, and be able to say no.

And that is a scary proposition.

I'm not expecting to get involved with anyone soon. Certainly a year
before I'm even willing to date with the idea of a relationship being
possible, and even then I don't see getting serious with anyone until I am
convinced that they would be a good partner for me (and me for them).
And that may take a really long time.

I am so screwed.


Update: I may have found my apartment. On a whim. I drove out to the last apartment complex that was on my list, and drove by a place that was obviously new construction, with a big "NOW LEASING" sign.
Stopped by. Took a look. Because it's brand spanking new, they have a lease special.
Okay, I have seen some really dumpy apartments lately. This is the opposite. It's bee-yoo-tee-ful. And it's new. So new that the hot tub won't be ready for another three weeks.
Yes. Hot tub. Washer and dryer in the apartment. Roman Soaking Bath (Big-ass bathtub). And a fireplace. Wood-burning fireplace.
I looked at two different one-bedroom apartments. The first was nice. It was like a really cool apartment.
The second one-- I was home. I can't explain it any better, it's just like being home. And it's about ten minuts from work.

I'm looking at one more tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure this one is it.
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