Last night I had a dream where Dawn (my ex-wife) came back to visit. She had matured but was still absolutely beautiful, and wanted to talk about getting back together. Turns out she had become a documentary filmmaker, and we talked about that, and had a long talk about when we had gotten divorced, and how she really felt bad about how she had hurt me. It was a really good talk, we got along amazingly well. She had had time to reflect on our relationship, her life, and everything else, and had gone on to become a good person and quite talented.
And all those memories of how I had loved her back when things were good came flooding back. Memories that I've supressed for fifteen years. Memories that I had buried because they were too painful when I had lost her.
We ended up having sex. It was a little fumbly and awkward, because I think both of us were a little reluctant but so needy that it was overwhelming. I remember thinking that I shouldn't be doing this, that it was too quick, that we should take some time, but being carried along unable to stop. And it was good, and it felt right, and we glowed together like we had done so long ago.
Then Barb and Bryan and Eve came back to the house, along with Emily and some others from Convergence, and they were shocked to find us together. There was some scolding and a lot of "how could you do that" kind of talk, but I had really started to strongly consider getting back together with her, because all of the negative things that split us up originally were gone.
And I was happy.
We all went to see some sort of a show in an old theater, where I ended up driving the truck into the lobby before I realized that we needed to park in the parking lot. I had to back the truck through the front doors, but the ushers didn't seem all that upset... more amused and befuddled.
I wanted to talk with Dawn some more, but we kept getting separated. I ended up in line with two black children in front of me (twins I think) who wanted to play but kept pulling me in different directions. I was trying to tell them that they couldn't do that when their father came up
and scolded me telling me that they were HIS children and I should just shut the fuck up.
We all finally ended up back at a big round picnic table, where Emily ended up asking Dawn about her four children. Apparently they were all special needs children, and Dawn ended up becoming desperate and needy. She had decided not to tell me about them for fear that I'd leave.
And I did. I got up and walked away down the road toward my mom's house. I wondered if she'd follow. She did eventually, but never caught up to me.
Then I woke up.
The thing that carried with me into the day was an overwhelming sense of loss. I had forgotten how tremendously deep my love was for her, and to lose it again is overwhelming. And yes, I know that it's actually a reflection of the grief that I feel losing Barb, but it still hurts. And it's making me less than productive at work.
Really, I knew this was going to happen. I recognized early on that as a part of working through my feelings that I was going to dredge up some long-supressed memories, but to have it in the context of losing it all over again with a new chance is truly horrible.
Why would my dream-self make it so painful? Is it just to make me feel the pain through all of the defenses and repression that I built? Trying to tell me that I'm not ready for another relationship (like I don't already know that)?
I feel like it was a message of some import, otherwise it wouldn't be sticking with me so heavily. But what message? I dont understand!