wanders into the realms of dreamland. I dream of a time when I can sleep
comfortably through the night, and wake in the morning feeling refreshed
and happy, instead of bloody lethargic and exhausted.
I'm having nightmares. They seem to be mostly anxiety based; I
remembered enough of them to cut a parallel to the programming work that I'm
doing. One of the more vivid ones had to do with catching a guy that had
been breaking into the houses in the neighborhood. I caught him and
managed to hold onto him despite his rather tricky attempts to escape.
When the police finally came, he faked respiratory arrest to try and get
away from them. How you can fake respiratory arrest I don't know.
I remember that he had a problem with one of his feet, where a lot of
the flesh had been eaten away and the bones were sticking out, but they
weren't real bones-- they were like some sort of black plastic claws.
Life in general is pretty boring. Work is hard, and by the end of the
day I am just beat. I get home, ride the bike, and work on whatever the
project of the day is for the few hours until I go to bed.
Current projects are CAD drawings for plans for the shed, porch/stoop,
and breezeway roof; writing The Magic Bear script; and a project for
Windy for Masquerade. And of course cooking, cleaning, laundry and basic
maintenance of the apartment. It's not like I don't have stuff to do.
The exercise is starting to pay off a little. My arms and calves are
starting to have noticeably more definition. My middle section is still
quite round and jiggly, so I'm not expecting to enter any bodybuilding
I've been trying to eat well, making a serious effort to buy
high-protien low-carb foods. And I found low-carb ice cream bars, made with
Splenda. 3g of carbohydrates per bar. It's a very happy thing. :)
True happiness is elusive. As much as I have made this a temporary
home, it is really temporary. I really don't belong here in the long term.
But I'm also not really sure where I do belong. I have a vague notion
of where I want to be, but not how I can get there. And I don't mean
that in the location sense exactly, but in having a sense of *home*.
Old adage: home is where the heart is. Obviously not literally-- I
don't live inside my chest-- but in what sense is "the heart"? Family?
My sense of family is stunted. Really it always has been. Growing up,
my family life was distant at best.
Love-- well, right now that is pretty much a nonexistent entity. Not
entirely, certainly: I love my pooch, and she loves me. And I'm having to
re-learn to love myself, which also means having to discover my sense
of self all over again. And I have friends. And really, maybe that's
Do I want to be "in love"? Do I really want a romantic type of love
It's hard to say anymore. Certainly I like the feeling of being in
love, and I like belonging, I like the special sharing, but there is so
much that depends on the other person. You have to be able to believe in
them, and trust them to keep up their end of what you define your
relationship to be. And I don't know that I can give that kind of trust
Which makes me wonder about my own issues of control. Where I can make
changes in my own behaviors, I can't change what anybody else does. I
can trust myself to manage what I do, but I can't control what my
partner does. And the relationship hinges on what both of us do. Thus, I
can't control the relationship.
And I recognize that my idea of a relationship is one-on-one. While I
can understand the concepts behind a poly relationship on an
intellectual level, I am more comfortable with a single partner than multiple
partners. Maybe because of the emotional risk that comes along with letting
someone in that close. I suppose that's something that could change
given enough time, patience, and understanding partners.
Sex-- I'll say yes. The decision about whether it should be exclusive in a relationship... still out on that one.
Security-- wow, that's a big issue. I've been so long working
hand-to-mouth that economic security sounds like a far-off dream. Right now
things are going quite well in that regard: I am working, I am making
income, and it is more than my expenses. But again, it is temporary. I know
it will end sometime this coming winter.
It's kind of like the folks that grew up during the Great Depression:
the tendency to hoard things. To hold on to everything because
everything was so dear. Even when things got better, the hoarding was still
there. It was a learned behavior. And I have learned to worry about money.
I don't want to worry about money, and my solution to that is to make
enough money that I don't have to worry.
Of course that presents it's own problems.
My own hoarding behavior. I hold onto things that may have no intrinsic
value because they represent dreams, or projects that I wanted to
undertake, things that I wanted to create but never have. As long as I hold
onto the things, I don't have to give up on the dream.
Home security-- the recent break-in makes that an issue. I want the
house to be safe from invaders, but accessible to friends.
Personal security-- not a big issue for me. I've never been attacked
physically, or at least not since I've been an adult.
Emotional security-- Oooh, there's a sharp poky thing. How do I deal
with becoming more secure emotionally, but still keep myself exposed
enough to be able to have relationships with friends?
Instead of riding the bike tonight, I decided to go for a walk. Found a really nice trail through a park nearby, and it was a beautiful early evening.