Mom called last night just to chat, so I'm sure that's where her influence in the dream came from. I don't know where all the anxiety came from, but this morning I was just exhausted, and I woke up with what looks like a black eye.
Wrestling with my conscience.
I haven't talked a lot about my emotional state. I think that's a lot because I really don't know what it is. I have confidence that things will be great in the long run, but right now I wonder if I just have a thin veneer over a pit of despair.
No, that's not right. Despair is too big a word. Loneliness for sure, although keeping in touch with friends via e-mail and LJ helps a LOT. Still, there is something dark and sharklike just below the surface, and on days like this, the ice gets pretty thin.
Heck, it might just be self-pity. That's enough of a familiar place for me that there is a certain comfort in just wallowing. All of the relatively new feeling-good-about-myself stuff is strange and alien, and in seeking comfort, maybe I revert back to the old ways.
Not where I want to be. But this transition period is difficult at best, and some days I just want to snuggle under the blankets and hide away from the rest of the world. Or better yet, to be held and comforted.
And something just occurred to me: there is no fear. Even in this half-defined state, I am not afraid of what is to come.
I'm just lonely.
