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Breakup stuff

NOTE: there is a bit of Barb-bashing in this entry. It is entirely one-sided on my part, and should not be taken as a fair and balanced report.

I was driving home from work last night, and got to thinking about the breakup, and whether I would consider getting back together.
I know, I know-- but it was more an exercise in thought than anything, so bear with me.
The answer is pretty complex. The short answer is no.
The longer answer deals more with the reasons for the breakup than anything.
Barb fell in love with someone else. Or if not love, at least a major-league infatuation. And she told me that although she loved me, she had never been in love with me.
She has her reasons for feeling that way. She has her reasons for feeling like I wasn't giving her enough of myself. Perhaps I wasn't.
But I believe that her falling in love with somebody else and putting it in the context of having one or the other pretty much ended the relationship.
Barb may have made a mistake. She may have made decisions in a time of emotional turmoil that were not the best she could have done. She was not unaware of that, and she made those decisions anyway. And I think that she would make those same decisions again for the same rerasons.

I feel that I deserve better. I deserve to be loved fully and completely for who I am. And I am not willing to accept less.
That could be considered Hubris. I don't believe it is.

I don't know if I will ever find that. I do believe now that there is the possibility of it, which I didn't believe just a couple of months ago.
That is progress.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 29th, 2004 06:27 am (UTC)
For the record...
... when I defended Barb against namecalling, it was in no way an attempt to censor you, or expect you to provide a fair and balanced report of events. I fully respect your right to express what you need to in this journal. What I was doing was preventing readers from jumping to conclusions about Barb's character and motivations based on your side of the story, especially if those conclusions resort to namecalling.

That little disclaimer said: what you say here isn't Barb-bashing. You're telling the truth as you know it. There's nothing wrong with expressing your perception of Barb's choices, and how that has in turn impacted yours.

For what it's worth, you're going about your breakup in a vastly more respectful way than my ex did. I only wish my ex could have had your thoughtfulness about our divorce.

And as far as progress is concerned, the more important realization than knowing the possibility of getting what you want is out there is that you deserve it. That's key, and shouldn't be minimalized.

Huh. That was an odd moment of support from me. Weird.
Jul. 29th, 2004 10:21 am (UTC)
Re: For the record...
Odd moments of support are welcome.

And I wasn't jumping on you or 'Vim for the last bit of posty-ness. I just want to make sure that whoever reads these entries knows where I am coming from. I don't think Barb is a bad person, and I support a lot of what she is doing now, but I'm still working through a lot of isues, and being able to post to this journal helps immensely. So I have to balance what helps me vs. what might be seen as hurting her. And if she were posting, I'm sure her take on everything would be different, and a lot more blame would be placed on me. XD

And I think I pulled back a little when I was writing it. There was some stuff in there that when I read it back seemed really unnecessary for public consumption, and I took it out.

When I got divorced so many years ago, it was much uglier and petty and more painful, and I know how I felt then. I want to do what I can to make that NOT happen again, while still managing to move forward. Going through a split a second time there is some familiar territory. And this time, I have a lot of friends who are being very supportive, which is a HUGE thing.
Jul. 29th, 2004 09:15 am (UTC)
This is good.
I am glad to see you're taking the time to figure out what went wrong and what you need in the future. Your next relationship will be better for it.
Jul. 29th, 2004 10:08 am (UTC)
Re: This is good.
I just hope that I'm better for it.
Jul. 29th, 2004 10:44 am (UTC)
It's good to read that you're not entirely heart broken about this & you're using it as a learning experience.
Jul. 29th, 2004 11:45 am (UTC)
Breakup stuff
Y'know? Someday I'm gonna write the definitive self-help book on getting past breakups.
I'm half-kidding when I say that. But only half.
Rob, congrats on some really illuminating - and concise - introspection. I think that, despite your disclaimer at the top, it was pretty fair and balanced - at least as much as is possible when you're smack in the middle of something inherently subjective and full of emotional bias (like I said, gonna write a book someday).
Yeah. "Loving" someone and "being in love with" someone are extraordinarily different things, and if you know which one of those things you really want, don't settle for a cheap knockoff. You deserve better. So does everybody else. Except Bill O'Reilly. He deserves a stickleback trout in his ass.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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