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Breakup stuff

NOTE: there is a bit of Barb-bashing in this entry. It is entirely one-sided on my part, and should not be taken as a fair and balanced report.

I was driving home from work last night, and got to thinking about the breakup, and whether I would consider getting back together.
I know, I know-- but it was more an exercise in thought than anything, so bear with me.
The answer is pretty complex. The short answer is no.
The longer answer deals more with the reasons for the breakup than anything.
Barb fell in love with someone else. Or if not love, at least a major-league infatuation. And she told me that although she loved me, she had never been in love with me.
She has her reasons for feeling that way. She has her reasons for feeling like I wasn't giving her enough of myself. Perhaps I wasn't.
But I believe that her falling in love with somebody else and putting it in the context of having one or the other pretty much ended the relationship.
Barb may have made a mistake. She may have made decisions in a time of emotional turmoil that were not the best she could have done. She was not unaware of that, and she made those decisions anyway. And I think that she would make those same decisions again for the same rerasons.

I feel that I deserve better. I deserve to be loved fully and completely for who I am. And I am not willing to accept less.
That could be considered Hubris. I don't believe it is.

I don't know if I will ever find that. I do believe now that there is the possibility of it, which I didn't believe just a couple of months ago.
That is progress.


Jul. 29th, 2004 10:21 am (UTC)
Re: For the record...
Odd moments of support are welcome.

And I wasn't jumping on you or 'Vim for the last bit of posty-ness. I just want to make sure that whoever reads these entries knows where I am coming from. I don't think Barb is a bad person, and I support a lot of what she is doing now, but I'm still working through a lot of isues, and being able to post to this journal helps immensely. So I have to balance what helps me vs. what might be seen as hurting her. And if she were posting, I'm sure her take on everything would be different, and a lot more blame would be placed on me. XD

And I think I pulled back a little when I was writing it. There was some stuff in there that when I read it back seemed really unnecessary for public consumption, and I took it out.

When I got divorced so many years ago, it was much uglier and petty and more painful, and I know how I felt then. I want to do what I can to make that NOT happen again, while still managing to move forward. Going through a split a second time there is some familiar territory. And this time, I have a lot of friends who are being very supportive, which is a HUGE thing.

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