A little shaky this morning. Woke up in the wee hours a little burned from a bad dream, finally went back to bed and dreamt again about being comforted by my friend-who-shall-remain-nameless.
This is the second time that she has been the one that my brain turns to when it seeks a symbol for feminine comfort, and I am not at all happy.
She is my friend. I have a crush on her, certainly-- but it is a harmless thing that I am quite happy with. I have several crushes on women who are friends of mine-- some of them long-standing-- but they are not serious in any way. I don't even know that I would characterize them as crushes, but for the purposes of what I'm dealing with here, I'll go with that concept.
This friend-who-shall-remain-nameless I have known for a while, perhaps a year, maybe a bit more. She is an actor, attractive as all get out, and we have some flirty fun together. She is my friend.
She is also in what could be considered a non-traditional relationship. And her boyfriend isn't exactly what I would call a stand-up guy. For one, he's married, and he's keeping their relationship a secret from his wife.
(Yes Rick, you know who I am talking about. Please don't name names.)
I think she deserves more respect than that. Then again, I'm not exactly in a position to be giving relationship advice.
And I've been fine with our friendship. She's fun and funny and smart and a little bit geeky.
And then I saw her dance.
This is not something a man in my condition should have seen.
There are various times in my life that a woman has made me speechless. I can think of three. This was the fourth.
Her boyfriend notices me. He enjoys watching me. I think he really enjoys having her on display as "his". I don't want to play that little game.
Except now I am in an uncomfortable place. I have gone from having a safe little happy fluffy crush to having feelings of desire for my friend. And I am not at all comfortable with that, because it takes me away from her friendship, and I really don't want to lose that.
So I've been doing pretty well at saying no to myself. Telling myself that I am being foolish, that I am just lonely and that those feelings are bad and they can only lead to disaster, and that I am capable of making them go away. And it's been working.
Until this morning.
In that half-awake state when your alarm goes off but before the full weight of the morning has settled in, she was there in bed with me. And it was the most natural thing in the world, like she had always been there, loving and loved. And I hit the snooze bar for a few extra minutes of happy snuggling.
Oh, can my brain be cruel.
I can remember the moment. It was perfect. I was happy, and comfortable, and warm and loved, and I was at peace. And then the world dropped away with an instant of vertigo that hit me in the face like a cold wet glove.
I am not happy, not happy at all. It feels like I am using her for my own personal gratification. I feel like I am unable to control my desires. I feel old and foolish. I am a little angry with myself.
I am not pursuing a relationship with my friend-who-shall-remain-nameless. I am not ready to be in a relationship. I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I have many things to do before I will even consider the possibility, and right now I need to be unattached and unfettered. I do not want to have my brain playing games with me.
Nothing like spending the morning wrestling with your consciousness.