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heavy-handed


Note: this gets a little maudlin and ugly. Turn back now, lest you get sucked into my despondence.


What the hell am I doing?

Tonight I'm packing up stuff so that after work tomorrow I can head back to the place I call home. I'm going up for a few extra days to get some more work done on the house, and so I have some free time to spend with friends. And I want cuddle time with my dog.
I miss my dog.

Relationship regret. Did I do the right thing in breaking up? My head tells me yes, my heart agrees. But I chose to walk into the lonely place, and it is bad now. I suppose it would have been worse if I had chosen to stay, because I would have lost my last shreds of dignity and self-respect, and those things are important to me. But the price is big. Soul-crushing big.

I hate that I had to make a choice.

I hate that I'm second-guessing myself now. I made decisions at a time when I think I was relatively clear, though angry. I made those decisions based on my prior experience with a divorce, remembering that it was an awful time full of self-doubt and horrendous pain. I made those decisions knowing that within the immersion, I would be confused and aimless, and that I would need some solid core to get me through.
I have to trust that I was right. I have to have the courage to stand by my convictions, even though they seem incoherent now.

Have I made a mistake?

Perhaps. But it was my mistake to make, and I have to live with the consequences.

I have nobody to blame for this but myself. Well, I could blame somebody else too, but blame isn't exactly productive. Let's say that I am more accepting the responsibility for my decision. That doesn't make it suck less, but it does give me some sense of scope, and maybe a little more of a light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel feeling. I can't see the light yet (or even the tunnel), but I know it's there.

But there is the Great Fear. What do I know about relationships? Other than in the academic sense with a lot of analysis? I haven't exactly been in good relationships. I thought I was. I was fooled. Whether that was because I was gullible, or because I wanted it so badly, or some other reason, it doesn't change the fact that I didn't see what was right in front of me.

And I don't want that. How will I recognize the potential for a real relationship? How will I recognize that the possibility exists for something wonderful, instead of something that is built on half-truths and deception?
Face it, I don't exactly have a winning track record. And I don't want to go through this again.
I need to be okay with being alone. I need to not only be okay with it, I need to enjoy it. And today is not an enjoyable day.
I need to get past being lonely. And I don't know how to do that.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
fairoriana
Aug. 9th, 2004 08:26 am (UTC)
What you're going through is tough -- I often read your entries and wish I could offer a comment of support, but have nothing to say. I have been fortunate in my relationships, so I can't say I've been there and I know what to do. What I can suggest, though, is that a lot of the focus of your unhappiness is the lack of romantic relationship you have. I think that the best way to be in a good place to relate to another person is to be in a good place personally. I think you're up the right track with your creative projects. Build your own life -- make it what you want it to be. Have a house you repaired with your own hands, a movie you shot and lit and created, a recipe book full of things you like to cook, a body that is strong and capable of doing what you ask of it, a life that is full of friends and good times. And that life will be like a magnet to a woman who is also in a good place, and wants to build a good life. And if it's not, well, you still have a life that is worth the living to you.

I think you know all that, judging from the excellent choices you have made recently.

Just know that we're pulling for you.
saveau
Aug. 9th, 2004 10:51 am (UTC)
"... all alone in the night."
>Did I do the right thing in breaking up?

Yes.


>Have I made a mistake?

No.


>I hate that I'm second-guessing myself now.

That's soooooo normal. Both the second-guessing and the being-down-on-yourself-for-it part. It's okay.


>I can't see the light yet (or even the tunnel), but I know it's there.

I see it. Just keep going; you're on the right road.


>What do I know about relationships? Other than in the academic sense with a lot of analysis? How will I recognize the potential for a real relationship? How will I recognize that the possibility exists for something wonderful, instead of something that is built on half-truths and deception?

Okay. Work with me here; I'm about to paraphrase you.
Relationships are like movies. You can learn, from a bad one, a lot on how to make a good one. That doesn't guarantee that you'll apply all the lessons, especially since the next movie probably won't be whole lot like the one preceding it, but you've got some production notes, some points of reference, and some decent storyboard ideas.
Don't believe me? Sit down for a while tonight and watch your previous relationship with your audio commentary track turned on. Then you'll believe me. :)
Before your next one... spend lots of time in pre-production. Like you are doing.


>I need to be okay with being alone. I need to not only be okay with it, I need to enjoy it. And today is not an enjoyable day.

Long hot baths. Regular exercise. Sleep. Turn on the computer and blow shit up. Cook. Pick up the "I'm OK, You're OK", variety of self-help bullshit books at Barnes and Noble, chuckle at them momentarily, and put them back on the shelf. Write. Play furious music as loud as you can stand it.
Wear sunscreen. ;p


>I need to get past being lonely. And I don't know how to do that.

Nobody knows. Anyone who says they do is lying.
I don't know, but I do know that I've managed it before, and will again if need be. I don't know what makes it work. I only know that, after a while, you just do it.
And you will. And you'll be okay.
I promise.


>Even darkness isn't quiet.

No. It isn't. It's full of a great many sounds. Listen closely; some of them are music.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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