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Note: this gets a little maudlin and ugly. Turn back now, lest you get sucked into my despondence.

What the hell am I doing?

Tonight I'm packing up stuff so that after work tomorrow I can head back to the place I call home. I'm going up for a few extra days to get some more work done on the house, and so I have some free time to spend with friends. And I want cuddle time with my dog.
I miss my dog.

Relationship regret. Did I do the right thing in breaking up? My head tells me yes, my heart agrees. But I chose to walk into the lonely place, and it is bad now. I suppose it would have been worse if I had chosen to stay, because I would have lost my last shreds of dignity and self-respect, and those things are important to me. But the price is big. Soul-crushing big.

I hate that I had to make a choice.

I hate that I'm second-guessing myself now. I made decisions at a time when I think I was relatively clear, though angry. I made those decisions based on my prior experience with a divorce, remembering that it was an awful time full of self-doubt and horrendous pain. I made those decisions knowing that within the immersion, I would be confused and aimless, and that I would need some solid core to get me through.
I have to trust that I was right. I have to have the courage to stand by my convictions, even though they seem incoherent now.

Have I made a mistake?

Perhaps. But it was my mistake to make, and I have to live with the consequences.

I have nobody to blame for this but myself. Well, I could blame somebody else too, but blame isn't exactly productive. Let's say that I am more accepting the responsibility for my decision. That doesn't make it suck less, but it does give me some sense of scope, and maybe a little more of a light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel feeling. I can't see the light yet (or even the tunnel), but I know it's there.

But there is the Great Fear. What do I know about relationships? Other than in the academic sense with a lot of analysis? I haven't exactly been in good relationships. I thought I was. I was fooled. Whether that was because I was gullible, or because I wanted it so badly, or some other reason, it doesn't change the fact that I didn't see what was right in front of me.

And I don't want that. How will I recognize the potential for a real relationship? How will I recognize that the possibility exists for something wonderful, instead of something that is built on half-truths and deception?
Face it, I don't exactly have a winning track record. And I don't want to go through this again.
I need to be okay with being alone. I need to not only be okay with it, I need to enjoy it. And today is not an enjoyable day.
I need to get past being lonely. And I don't know how to do that.


Aug. 9th, 2004 08:26 am (UTC)
What you're going through is tough -- I often read your entries and wish I could offer a comment of support, but have nothing to say. I have been fortunate in my relationships, so I can't say I've been there and I know what to do. What I can suggest, though, is that a lot of the focus of your unhappiness is the lack of romantic relationship you have. I think that the best way to be in a good place to relate to another person is to be in a good place personally. I think you're up the right track with your creative projects. Build your own life -- make it what you want it to be. Have a house you repaired with your own hands, a movie you shot and lit and created, a recipe book full of things you like to cook, a body that is strong and capable of doing what you ask of it, a life that is full of friends and good times. And that life will be like a magnet to a woman who is also in a good place, and wants to build a good life. And if it's not, well, you still have a life that is worth the living to you.

I think you know all that, judging from the excellent choices you have made recently.

Just know that we're pulling for you.

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