I keep vascillating between wanting a woman and not wanting one.
That sounds weirdly callous. It's an ugly generalization, and as such may be helped by an explanation:
I like being in a relationship. I like having someone special to share things with: all the stupid little in-jokes, pet names, knowing just the right spot to skritch. I like comfortable intimacy.
And I don't have those things. And I miss them terribly.
Some of my friends tell me I should just go get laid. Some days I agree with them. Some days, the physical needs and wants can get pretty overwhelming.
But really it's the deeper needs and wants that I want satisfied. And those things don't come from a roll in the hay (or corn, as I'm in Iowa).
Comfortable intimacy comes from getting to know someone over a period of time, learning to trust and enjoy them, and them learning to trust and enjoy you.
And along with those things comes an actual person. With foibles and frailties, and baggage and problems and issues all their own. And I really don't want to deal with someone else's issues right now. I have enough in my life as it is.
Most of the women that I know, and even the ones I am strongly attracted to, have recently been letting me know of their own issues. And it's really made me pull back. What the hell am I doing?
So I'm off of women again for a while.
And yes, I realize it cuts both ways. Me talking about the icky crap that runs through my head every day must be quite a turn-off. Seeing that I am sometimes insecure and moody does not really put me atthe top of the "most wanted" list. I mean you never see a personal ad that sounds like this:
Must be insecure and moody, prone to bouts of depression and self-doubt, hate his job, and have a messed-up family life. Divorced a plus. Must also have irrepressible sex drive, have a thing for sexy underwear models, and be great in the sack.
(Okay, I added that last bit.)
But the reason that I write this stuff down is so that I can understand it better myself. I do tend to write to an audience, even when I'm writing to me, because it forces me to put things in terms that others can understand instead of my own weird shorthand.
I leave it public because I don't want to hide who I am. I'm not pretty, or sophisticated, or always socially ept. I make mistakes. I try not to talk shit, but sometimes I get my ass called on the carpet (*cough* lexinatrix *cough*), and I'm okay with that.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I try to be genuine. You pretty much get to see what and who I am, at least through the filter of my typing.
From the perspective of my friends, the ones that read my journal and wade through it all tend to be the people that I like to hang around with. They get that I ain't perfect, and they accept me for who I am.
And that is a really fabulous thing. :)
There are a few who have not liked what they have seen, and some of them have stuck around to call me nasty things and throw insults. Generally not for long.
And I'm okay with that, too.
I'm not here to please everyone. I generally like me. There are some things about me that I'm not happy with, and I am working to change those things. There are some other things that I haven't figured out how to change yet. And I've made progress, and had some backsliding, and found direction and been lost again, and made new friends and lost old friends.
It's a trip.
I have a somewhat checkered past. And I'll probably have a checkered future, too. I don't fit the norm. I'm not a mundane. And right now I'm living a very mundane life, and probably will be for several months to come.
I need to de-mundane my life.
Maybe I should date a stripper. :)