I think I'm going through the stereotypical midlife crisis.
I've been able to resolve an internal conflict over wanting a woman and not wanting one.
I want part of a woman.
And before you go overboard into imagining exactly which part I'm talking about, let me reassure you that this is just the analysis part of an otherwise bored existence that has led me into finding acceptance for the troubled feelings that I have inside.
I want a trophy wench. I want an absolutely beautiful, totally sexy woman that I can cuddle with and pet and have sex with and cook me dinner and tell me I'm wonderful, and that I can put away in a closet when I'm done with her.
I don't want to have to deal with her problems, or listen to her complain, or any of that "romantic" crap.
It all sounds very cave-man. Or very '50's. And it is not something with which I am proud, it just is. And it is yet another reason why I am absolutely certain that I am not in any way ready for a relationship.
I do not deny this ugly part of myself. I do not repress it. I acknowledge it, embrace it, tell it that it is very silly and that it will never get that, pat it on the behind and send it off to bed.
Hell, I know that I am better than that in a relationship. I know that I truly want more than that from a partner: I want someone I can actively share with, who will challenge me and be challenged by me and support me in the same way that I support her. I don't really want a closet bimbo to share my life with... but right now I'd sure like one to share my bed.
On the other hand, it does send a message that physical attractiveness and sensuality is something that is important to me. I'm uncomfortable acknowledging that because it makes me feel shallow. I don't try and justify it by saying that a 'physically attractive' woman is healthier, or something similar. I realize that I have been brainwashed by magazines, movies, and TV into accepting a kind of standard for beauty that I myself don't fit into.
For example: I think that Audry Hepburn is probably the most aesthetically pleasing woman that ever lived. At least of the ones I have seen, she consistently tops my list. My first wife had a lot of similar features in fact-- somewhere I have pictures-- and the first girl I had a mad crush on in high school was similar, too. I tend to really like dark features on light skin, something about the contrast. (Actually, she was a little like a cross between Audry Hepburn and a young Elvis, which sounds weird but works for me.)
So there are strippers. If you don't frequent strip clubs, I'll fill you in a little: in the past decade or so, the aesthetic quality of the women in strip clubs has kicked up a notch or two. And this is not just my perception-- this has been an industry trend. The women in the higher-power clubs tend to be in better physical shape than they were ten years ago, probably because the competition is fiercer. Many of them work out on a regular basis, and go through strict skin-care regimens, and become very competitive about their looks.
And it is like being a kid in a candy store.
I am an ass man. That is something I recognized a couple of years ago: butts and thighs draw me in. It's fairly easy to have good calves, but great thighs and a great ass are much harder to maintain.
And the majority of the strippers that I have seen in the past couple of years have had absolutely marvelous asses. My absolute favorite here in DM was not only awesomely beautiful, she was incredibly sensual as well.
Which is why I don't go back.
Because what I want is available. For a short time. For a price.
Makes crack look like Ben-Gay.
I am a weak, weak man. And perhaps a little foolish as well. I am tempted to go back to the club and find my pearly vixen and spend hundreds of dollars in full sensory overload, but then I'd just want her more and more, just like hundreds of other guys who she has separated from their hard-earned cash. And I'd want to take her home, which she either wouldn't do, or if she did it would be a much more expensive proposition than I was willing to bargain for, and I'd be disappointed or become infatuated and lose all of my money in a flesh-covered Vegas.
Seduction is a hard thing to overcome.
And I look at myself. I know I am not in the "great" ass category. Mine is much more in the "industrial" category. Functional, utilitarian, built for durability and not style. I am working on it, but when you've got a Volvo delivery truck, turning it into a Porsche takes some time, and more than a little welding.
I think it is only fair that if I feel so strongly about physical attractiveness, that I should be able to offer a modicum of that myself. And I'm still a ways out to sea. And there are sharks. And seagulls. And portugese Men'O'War.
I'll most likely get there eventually. Or at least somewhere close. After all, if I were to get to the point of having the perfect ass, coupled with my considerable talent and charisma, I'd be damn near irresistible. :)
So why am I like this? Why do I have these completely selfish, piggish tendencies? Is this an overcompensation for not having these for the last umpteen years? Is it a new-found freedom in escaping from a relationship? Is it an attempt to recapture lost youth?
Or is it something simpler? Am I just giving in to baser instincts? Is it just Lord Hedon awakening after a long-term exile?