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Dishabille


Everyone,
This coming Friday (September 3) we will celebrate the beginning of high school and college football season with a "Blue Jean Day" at [XYZ]. To help celebrate the fall football season, everyone is welcome to wear their favorite school colors or school apparel (in good taste).



Interesting insight today from my friend Rakesh, who is from india. Paraphrasing:
"The problem with women has nothing to do with women. It has to do with committment."

I find this funny. But is there a kernel of truth in it? Having a committment with someone, to be in a relationship with someone entails risk. Risk of pain, risk of embarrassment, risk of exposure.

I assume that we take the risk for the reward. And not to be cynical, but what is the reward for committment?

I think I've asked this question before in many forms. The top thing that came back was a sense of "belonging" to someone else, which frustrates me to no end. If I look at a relationship as a partnership, I don't have a sense of "ownership" of my partner. I have a sense of responsibility to them yes, and a sense of duty; but I don't look upon responsibility and duty as positive qualities. I want to be rid of responsibility and duty, not take more on.

Nor do I believe that it is a good thing to derive my sense of self-worth from my partner in a relationship. I think that is dysfunctional. I think that you need to be solid in yourself before you can be a good partner, and you must remain solid in yourself. I have heard a lot about "two people becoming one", and it's a load of crap. You must retain your individuality in a relationship. You should cooperate, yes, but as individuals, not as organs of the same organism.

I've heard the "L" word thrown around. (Ladder. L is for ladder.)
"When you Love someone, you want to spend the rest of your life with them".

Hmm.

I have friends that I have had for 20 years. They have lasted longer than any of my relationships. That may be because they are better people than the partners in my relationships were, but I digress.
I've been in Love. Major-league very serious Love. Twice for sure. And in neither case did it last "for the rest of my life". I think Love is an illusion-- a label that we put on a rather nebulous set of feelings that give us some sort of rationalization for doing crazy things.

Realistically, friendships last longer. And I think I love my friends. I don't have sex with my friends too often, but it's not like it couldn't happen. (Don't worry Rick.)

But even if I did find a friend that liked having sex, that still doesn't make it a committment. There is something special about that committment thing that I can't quite place.

And I think that maybe it's because man is inherently a social creature. Man tends to form social groups, like dogs form packs.

I love dogs. I am very much a dog person. And living with dogs in the family, you begin to understand 'pack' as opposed to family. They are similar, but not the same.

Pack is safety and security. Pack is support and knowing that you have a place in the structure. Pack is belonging.

Dogs are very honest. There is no guile. And when you are in their pack, you know it.

And maybe that's what committment is all about. Maybe there is a social structure that we cleave to out of some sense of instinct (though I don't believe that monoamory/monogamy is that structure specifically), that there is some inner need to belong.

I think that it is probably possible to rise above that. Or not so much rise above that as accept it wholeheartedly, and become a part of the universal pack. To love everybody, and trust your fellow man. And in avoiding a committment to a single other person (or group of people), commit yourself to all of mankind.

Hmph.

I know I'm not ready for that kind of committment.

Comments

lexinatrix
Aug. 31st, 2004 11:37 am (UTC)
I assume that we take the risk for the reward. And not to be cynical, but what is the reward for committment?

You hit it on the head. The answer to this question is "security." ... maybe with a dose of stability for good measure. Acceptance is part of it, but I think the need for acceptance is just a different manifestation of a need for security.

I think I've asked this question before in many forms. The top thing that came back was a sense of "belonging" to someone else, which frustrates me to no end.

Who the hell are you asking if you get that kind of response? The only folks I know who list "belonging to someone" as the big prize for a relationship are folks into BDSM/slavery stuff. That's a WHOLE DIFFERENT kind of "belonging." At least, I hope so.

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