As good little corporate worker bees, we are not allowed to have days that are off-kilter. We're not allowed to have days where we feel crappy, and are inattentive or unfocused. We are expected to pop right in at the 8:00 chime and grind through the day's work without another thought in our pretty little heads.
Of course, reality doesn't work that way. We are people, not machines. We strive, we hunger, we get frustrated, we bow, we scrape, we tug, we fondle.
It has been ten years since I founded Magic Marmot Studios. There's been a lot of water under the bridge since then, and a lot of things have happened.
I didn't make my five or ten year goals, but my target has changed over the years. I don't know that it's become clearer. Certainly I'm not making a living solely from studio projects, and I don't have a good studio space to work with yet.
I'm also in a different headspace. Most of that is recent, as I sort of got my ass handed to me. That caused me to re-evaluate myself, which is a real eye-opener. There's a lot of good there: talent, imagination, creativity, humor, sensuality, ability. And there are a few bad things too. I need to do some work on me... I'm a fixer-upper.
Love & romance are right out the window. Certainly I talk about what I want and what I need, but this is really more out of my dealing with my own internal issues and trying to figure them out than anything. Don't get me wrong-- friends help a lot here. Dealing with dreams and random thoughts that bounce around my empty head like a superball on steroids is something that an outside perspective can really help. I'm definitely in the can't-see-the-forest-for-the-trees mode.
Journaling helps a lot. It puts me into linear mode, forces me to slow things down and put them into a dealing-with-language perspective. Sometimes just the act of putting the feelings into words helps to give them shape and a name by which I can call them.
But it's taking so freaking long! I want to be done with all of this healing bullshit NOW! I know that in the long run I'm doing quite well, and the changes that I am making are a good solid foundation on which to build my future self, but Hermes on a cracker, this is taking a l-o-n-g time.
I know that this is something that I have to go through, and there are no shortcuts. I was originally thinking a year, but it's gonna be longer. It will be a year before I even get back home on a permanent basis, and there will be an adjustment period even then. And I have personal goals that I want to meet before I consider myself "ready for action". So it will be longer than a year. Maybe three years.
That's longer than most recent wars.
Somehow that seems fitting.