Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam
magicmarmot

No Fear

This is something that keeps coming to me full circle in my life.

No Fear.

I know that somebdy uses this as a marketing slogan, which is in a way unfortunate because it cheapens the meaning.

What it means to me is that you should never make decisions in your life based on fear. Fear of the dark, fear of being alone, fear of losing your job. If you give in to fear, you let something have power over you.

Oddly, I was reminded of this by last night's episode of
Turns out that Satan was having boyfriend difficulties, choosing between Saddam and someone else. And Satan was being extremely stressed out-- his two men were fighting all the time and killing each other over and over. So Satan ended up talking to God (in the goofy reptile guise) and God reminded Satan that there was a third choice: he could choose neither. Which is what ended up Happening: Satan dumped both of his boyfriends because he was better off being on his own for a while and getting in touch with himself again. It was lovely, really.

It just reminded me that indeed, I have made the right choice in breaking up with Barb.

Had I tried to stay with her, it would have been out of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of being lonely, fear of not having someone. And that is really a shitty reason to be in a relationship.

I am alone. I am lonely. I don't have someone in my life.

And it's okay.

I'm not dying. I still laugh. I get things done. I go see movies. I talk to friends. I go to work, I pee, I come home. I pet my dog when I can. Life hasn't changed all that much, other than the changes I've made.

The next big fear is making a living. A lot of my job decisions have been based around fear. There was a period when I was at risk of foreclosure, and in the not-so-distant past. I have let that fear intimidate me into not developing my own business the way that I should have.
It's not a baseless fear. I've had a failed business. It's hard not to take the failure of the business as a personal failure. And I have to admit, I am something of a sucker for a steady paycheck. But I am not satisfied. My creativity is stifled. I need an outlet, and I'm very good at what I do.
So I am exploring different options. Making movies is a part of that, as well as making props and sets and hardware and software and other special-interest tools of the trade.
I am a good engineer, a good technician. A good craftsman, and even an artist in some sense. But I am not a good businessman. I am not good at marketing, or customer relations, or accounting, or general administration.
I need to couple with other folks who are good at these things. Other folks who understand the dissatisfaction of working for "the man" and are willing to take some risk.

And I don't know where to find them.

I can do a lot of up-front development work. That is pretty much ongoing, with plans in the works for upcoming projects, but eventually I'll need to move beyond that.

Short term:
I need to recover my space. That I can do. I already have help.
I need to organize and plan. I will need some help with that for sure.
I need to be strong and keep motivated. That's probably the hardest of all, because it's so daunting.

Welcome to the ride of your life.
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