Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

Weasels in my Brain

Tiny weasels with jackhammers live inside my brain.

I think that there is a definite plus to having air conditioning. When I fnally got to slep last night, I slept like the dead.

(In a coffin, with my arms folded over my chest? no.)

Woke up this morning with a headache, much sneezing, and a crick in my neck that is hanging with me still. But a still night of sleep, and I could use more.

And I am feeling frustrated and angry, and anxious and full of self-doubt.

I am embarrassed by the house. By the state of the house. By the sheer mass of inertia that it is taking to make it liveable again. And the resistance that is coming from places that I should have anticipated but somehow missed.

I am frustrated that I cannot take the direction that I want to take until I get past this gaping wound. I am angry with myself for not having the courage to face problems in the past even when I knew that's what I wanted to do. And I see myself slipping into that same behavior again.

I'm angry with Barb for making it more difficult for me to get on with my life because she is afraid.

I'm anxious because the future is uncertain. Confidence is something that I can have in spades, but that doesn't mean that the outcome will be favorable. That came to light this weekend in a very fitting manner: while cleaning, I came across some papers that I had written in my Freshman English class, and one of them was about coming home from Colorado. It was full of expectations and rules that I had made for myself, and the confidence and knowledge that I wasn't going to put up with the interfering bullshit from my Mother and Father.
And seeing it from this side of time, it was complete failure.

I have failed at many things. Many more than I have succeeded at. On one hand, it means that I have tried many things, which is good. On the other hand, I have a bunch of failures to figure out, and not all of them are easy to understand.

I have had a failed business, two failed major relationships, many, many failed plans, and a lot of projects that never made it to completion. I pretty much failed at maintaining a house.

I'm trying to turn that last one around. So far it's been successful, but there's still a lot to do. Now I'm looking at banking my future on projects, which I have not completed in the past.

And so the looming spectre of self-doubt leans in over my shoulder and snickers.

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