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Kinky LaRue


One of the reasons that I write in this journal is to force myself to examine how I feel and what things are bothering me every day. I think the idea is that by doing this, I can change things, fix things so that I can be a better person in the end.

I really like bananas.

It's hard today to really pull out what's bothering me. I am feeling a vague sort of unease that I think is due to my confidence being shaken about what I want to do as a new career path. Or it might be where my life is headed, or relationship issues, or pretty much anything that has been bothering me for the last several months.

Last night I was IMing with a lady friend (Sasha), and usually I am doing a lot of fun and flirty stuff with her. But last night, it was just muted, and that is so not like me. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Am I having a midlife crisis? Or is that an artifact of a bygone era? I am of the age where recapturing lost youth seems like a wonderful thing, my last long-term relationship ended (or is ending) in a slightly messy way, and I am having career angst. Doesn't that just seem like the ideal festering place for a midlife crisis?

Perhaps I should go out and buy a red penis sports car.

The house is getting to me. I know that it's a good thing to be making all of the repairs and the Great Purging, but it's so freaking big. The scope of it is overwhelming. Take that, add in the lifestyle changes I'm making with myself, and the complete instability of my future, and I am... well, overwhelmed. This is freaking hard to do.

And it doesn't end.

Sure, the repairs on the house will eventually end. And the Great Purging will eventually turn into a small trickle. Maybe that will be enough.

But for right now, I feel a little like I'm being battered about like a cork on the ocean. Or like I'm being squeezed out of the divine anus.

I really want a nap. Or really, a rest. A day or two where I don't have to do anything. Or a week, or a month. A cold night with a warm fire and a soft bed, some good music...

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
lexinatrix
Sep. 21st, 2004 08:08 am (UTC)
As with all things, breaking down a task into smaller sub-tasks will help you both make and measure progress.

Works with weight loss, home improvement projects and managing a breakup.

Also understand that the Law of Diminishing Returns is at work, as well. Don't beat yourself up if you get very close to your ultimate goal, but not quite there. You're striving to do/be better, not to be done.
windelina
Sep. 21st, 2004 09:20 am (UTC)
Being alive means "never being done".
Owning a house means always having something that needs doing.

It's the driving need to be DONE that will kill you.

Occasionally, it wants to kill me. But I get it drunk and then it gets confused and wants to cuddle.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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