Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Never having sex again

For all of my talk about sexuality, relationships, and the like, I am really just a nice, sweet guy. A lot of the talk is bluster; it's my way of dealing with a bad situation.
I have friends that are sexworkers. Or at least they work in jobs where sex and sexuality is the prime motivating force for their customers and clients; this ranges anywhere from sellers of sex toys to escorts, and all of them happen to be women. I don't know why that is important, but it is noteworthy. I have known a few men working in sex-related businesses, and they have all been sleazy & creepy, where none of the women that I know are.
I think that this is a key distinction in the way that men and women (in general) deal with sex and sexuality. Mend tend to be more animalistic, and tend to put the hindbrain to good use while rutting, while women tend to be more whole-body and spiritual.
And yes, it is a broad generalization, but work with me here.

With these women that I know, I tend not to see them professionally. For instance, with my friend who is an escort, I don't go to her for sex. She is "retired" now, having just had a baby, but she still keeps a website for which I used to write a monthly column.

She has made it plain that if I wanted to she would be more than willing, but it is just not tenable from my end. She is a friend, and it would just be too weird for me, because it would be in her professional capacity.

It would be like if you had a friend who was a psychiatrist and were seeing them for mental health problems. That kind of weird.

OTOH, if I had a friend who was a lawyer or a mechanic and I needed the services of a lawyer or mechanic, I wouldn't have a problem with seeing them in a professional capacity.

I wonder what this says about me.

And it's not just the friend thing. I have some non-sex-professional woman friends that if the opportunity arose for sex (or just sexplay), I would be happy and eager.

There is some barrier for me that is common to both sex and my mental state that keeps me from crossing the professional/friend boundary.

Trying to identify it is hard. I get the sense that it has something to do with vulnerability, and something else where I am not giving anything of substance. Where with a friend I can nuzzle and graze upon, or share some of my inner angst, there is a connectedness there that isn't in the professional realm.

Maybe it's because I want to be something more than a walking wallet. Or at least I want to believe that I'm something more.

It's probably the main reason why I don't go back to the strip club, or try and find an escort or some other grindy outlet here in DM.

I've worked in strip clubs. I know the disdain that most of the strippers have for the patrons. And I understand the similar (and sometimes much deeper) feelings that some other sexwork domains have for their clients (check out this wonderful article by motel666). I don't want to be that ugly vomitous piece of dribbly meat that sustains the trade.

Lately, my sex drive has just gone. I think it's probably a defense mechanism, knowing that I have a long struggle ahead and keeping me from going totally bonkers for boink-o-puffs.

But my desire for affection has been diminshed as well. I'm a little more worried about that one, because while I can get along without sex, I will wither and die without affection. And that is not a fate for which I am destined.

Is it just defensiveness?
Is it being distracted by the home repairs?
Is it feeling like I might alienate my friends if I become too physical with them?
Is it a lack of self-confidance about my body image?
Is it being frustrated with the not-so-terminal nature of my last relationship?
Is it something to do with the new medication?
Is it not wanting to risk becoming more emotionally involved with an existing friend?

Probably a little of all of the above.

I haven't relaxed for a long while. And I probably won't get a chance to for another long while. Maybe Omegacon can provide a respite. I can feel the tension all over my body.

Damn, I need a good massage.

Which reminds me... if I actually get my massage table delivered in time, I should bring it to Omegacon. I find that giving massages is quite relaxing-- not as relaxing as getting them, obviously-- but in the process of working on someone's muscles and nerves, I tend to identify myself with them and empathize with how a particular touch feels. Usually that carries over quite well, and very often it helps to work the kinks out of my back. And focusing on the massage helps to slow me down and bring me more in touch with conectedness.

It may depend a lot on whether I end up sharing a room with anyone.

Wow, I'm really looking forward to that weekend. Friends, fun, frolic, food, falcohol...


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 24th, 2004 11:56 am (UTC)
I'm going to have to use the phrase "bonkers for boink-o-puffs" sometime. That's hilarious.
Sep. 24th, 2004 12:53 pm (UTC)
I would totally LOVE a massage from you. Will you please come to Seattle and bring your massage table? Pretty please?

Sep. 24th, 2004 02:14 pm (UTC)
(psst. That was a terrific article Rob linked to above. Good work.)
Sep. 24th, 2004 02:28 pm (UTC)
Thank you, baby. :)

Sep. 24th, 2004 02:56 pm (UTC)
Yeah-- isn't she great?
Sep. 24th, 2004 02:50 pm (UTC)
Will you feed me and take care of me for a few days? :)
Sep. 24th, 2004 02:52 pm (UTC)
Actually, I'd feed you but I can't have houseguests anymore. After my houseguest debacle of a month or so ago, my roommate and I have decided NEVER AGAIN.

Sep. 24th, 2004 02:55 pm (UTC)
Ah. Yes. I promise I wouldn't ruin your couch. :)

Well, it will have to wait until I am out your way sometime. But it will be well worth the wait. :)
Sep. 24th, 2004 03:00 pm (UTC)
Okay, it's a deal. But you have to rub me HARD, and DEEP. I'm pretty muscle-y, especially in my legs from wearing high heels and dancing, so kneading me is kind of like kneading a rock.

Come soon; I seriously need a massage NOW.

Sep. 24th, 2004 03:03 pm (UTC)
I can do hard and deep. I used to massage dancers when I worked at the Lamplighter, and they liked me a lot.

Or you could always come to Des Moines and visit. :)

(Yeah, I know just how exciting that sounds.)
Sep. 24th, 2004 03:08 pm (UTC)
"Come to Des Moines and visit"? Gee, you know, I love getting out of town and all, but I was more thinking along the lines of New Orleans or New York.

Come to Seattle! It's more fun here, I can almost guarantee it!

Sep. 24th, 2004 03:16 pm (UTC)
Hemmorhoids are more fun than Des Moines.

Seattle would be a blast. And I could waddle up to Vancouver and check out the film industry up dere.

Of course, I'm booked for quite some time. It's a little more than a weekend trip.
Sep. 24th, 2004 02:13 pm (UTC)
I'm almost convinced I'll be at Omegacon... I need to find the money for it, along with all the other stuff I need to spend money on. Ooof.
Sep. 24th, 2004 03:00 pm (UTC)
You still have dibs on the room. Keep me posted.
Sep. 24th, 2004 06:33 pm (UTC)
I'm curious about where this fits in:

Go to a psychiatrist friend if you need therapy? No.
Go to a sexworker friend for sexual services? No.
Go to a mechanic friend to work on your car? Yes.

Okay, so how do you feel, from your end, when you give a massage to a friend? How will you feel if it ever becomes a major part of your income?
Sep. 24th, 2004 08:15 pm (UTC)
I'd be okay with that. But I'd also be okay going to a friend for a massage. In fact, I'd prefer it.

Weird, huh?
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

April 2012


Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow