For all of my talk about sexuality, relationships, and the like, I am really just a nice, sweet guy. A lot of the talk is bluster; it's my way of dealing with a bad situation.
I have friends that are sexworkers. Or at least they work in jobs where sex and sexuality is the prime motivating force for their customers and clients; this ranges anywhere from sellers of sex toys to escorts, and all of them happen to be women. I don't know why that is important, but it is noteworthy. I have known a few men working in sex-related businesses, and they have all been sleazy & creepy, where none of the women that I know are.
I think that this is a key distinction in the way that men and women (in general) deal with sex and sexuality. Mend tend to be more animalistic, and tend to put the hindbrain to good use while rutting, while women tend to be more whole-body and spiritual.
And yes, it is a broad generalization, but work with me here.
With these women that I know, I tend not to see them professionally. For instance, with my friend who is an escort, I don't go to her for sex. She is "retired" now, having just had a baby, but she still keeps a website for which I used to write a monthly column.
She has made it plain that if I wanted to she would be more than willing, but it is just not tenable from my end. She is a friend, and it would just be too weird for me, because it would be in her professional capacity.
It would be like if you had a friend who was a psychiatrist and were seeing them for mental health problems. That kind of weird.
OTOH, if I had a friend who was a lawyer or a mechanic and I needed the services of a lawyer or mechanic, I wouldn't have a problem with seeing them in a professional capacity.
I wonder what this says about me.
And it's not just the friend thing. I have some non-sex-professional woman friends that if the opportunity arose for sex (or just sexplay), I would be happy and eager.
There is some barrier for me that is common to both sex and my mental state that keeps me from crossing the professional/friend boundary.
Trying to identify it is hard. I get the sense that it has something to do with vulnerability, and something else where I am not giving anything of substance. Where with a friend I can nuzzle and graze upon, or share some of my inner angst, there is a connectedness there that isn't in the professional realm.
Maybe it's because I want to be something more than a walking wallet. Or at least I want to believe that I'm something more.
It's probably the main reason why I don't go back to the strip club, or try and find an escort or some other grindy outlet here in DM.
I've worked in strip clubs. I know the disdain that most of the strippers have for the patrons. And I understand the similar (and sometimes much deeper) feelings that some other sexwork domains have for their clients (check out this wonderful article by motel666). I don't want to be that ugly vomitous piece of dribbly meat that sustains the trade.
Lately, my sex drive has just gone. I think it's probably a defense mechanism, knowing that I have a long struggle ahead and keeping me from going totally bonkers for boink-o-puffs.
But my desire for affection has been diminshed as well. I'm a little more worried about that one, because while I can get along without sex, I will wither and die without affection. And that is not a fate for which I am destined.
Is it just defensiveness?
Is it being distracted by the home repairs?
Is it feeling like I might alienate my friends if I become too physical with them?
Is it a lack of self-confidance about my body image?
Is it being frustrated with the not-so-terminal nature of my last relationship?
Is it something to do with the new medication?
Is it not wanting to risk becoming more emotionally involved with an existing friend?
Probably a little of all of the above.
I haven't relaxed for a long while. And I probably won't get a chance to for another long while. Maybe Omegacon can provide a respite. I can feel the tension all over my body.
Damn, I need a good massage.
Which reminds me... if I actually get my massage table delivered in time, I should bring it to Omegacon. I find that giving massages is quite relaxing-- not as relaxing as getting them, obviously-- but in the process of working on someone's muscles and nerves, I tend to identify myself with them and empathize with how a particular touch feels. Usually that carries over quite well, and very often it helps to work the kinks out of my back. And focusing on the massage helps to slow me down and bring me more in touch with conectedness.
It may depend a lot on whether I end up sharing a room with anyone.
Wow, I'm really looking forward to that weekend. Friends, fun, frolic, food, falcohol...