Tom Ramcigam (magicmarmot) wrote,
Tom Ramcigam

Warped sense of reality

I am really down again today.

For one, I didn't get the boiler fully installed this weekend as I had planned. I have a number of house-type projects that have been started but not completed, and have been stalled at a nearly-complete point for various reasons. Mostly because there has been so much emergency-type stuff that HAD to be done before (a) the cold weather sets in, (b) the house collapsed, (c) I ran out of money.

For example, the breezeway roof/deck. It's primary function was to stop the leaky roof. Which it has accomplished. But its secondary function as a deck is stalled because other things have taken precedence. Like the front porch.

The shed is missing a few things, like an access door for the attic storage, and siding. And the ability to open the rear doors.

The front porch was going to wait until next year, but circumstances aligned in such a way that it became necessary to fix it this year. And in trying to fix the roof, we discovered that the whole thing needed to come down and be replaced. Which is a much larger scope than I wanted to deal with this close to cold weather.

And the boiler install is incomplete. That needs to be in place and operational soon. And I'm not going to have a lot of time to do it.

The apartment is a mess. I've pretty much put off cleaning while I've been diligently working on these plans that I need to finish ASAP, and I need a vaccuum cleaner. I am not at all happy that I have let it go so badly.

The house is just a fucking mess. In the horror-story old-woman-with-six-million-cats-who-never-threw-anything-away sense. And I don't have any time to clean it, or any energy to do it by the time I'm done working on this other stuff.

And I saw a picture of myself from this weekend. Disheartening to say the least. I know I have lost weight, and I know I am smaller than I used to be, but there is still a long way to go, and I feel very unattractive.

Okay, I know that this is all a work in progress. It's a lot of stuff to take on at once, and it's a lot to have to manage. And I shouldn't expect immediate changes after years of neglect. Knowing all of that doesn't make it easier.

I suppose if it wasn't as difficult, it wouldn't be worth so much.

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