I am not good at being objective about myself. There are times I become self-absorbed, and maybe a little obsessed. I suppose it's hard to be anything else when you have retreated into your shell as much as I have chosen to do. There really isn't an outside point of reference except for friends.
I want to go home.
I want a home to go to.
Right now I have a place that needs a lot of work. It's not a home. I'm not really sure when it was a home anymore.
Everything is transition and instability. Everything is sliding like scree under my feet, and I have to keep running just to keep from being buried in the landslide.
I want to sleep. I want to take a break from everything and rest for a while.
I heard this morning about a guy with diabetes who was thrown in jail and left untreated.
Phone-in caller during the Mancow morning show (http://www.mancow.com) this morning. A woman who has had five abortions. She really likes sex, but she has sex with men over 50 because they can't get her pregnant. Now it has sunk in after the fifth abortion that they actually can get her pregnant, and she's pissed off. She believes that's how retarded people are made. She wants all men over 50 to have "vansectomies" so she won't get pregnant again. And she doesn't use condoms because she doesn't like the way they feel.
Hey. At least she's not breeding.
Why do I often dream about sinking boats?
I had a dream last night that involved being in a canoe with a friend, and we ended up sinking the canoe as a part of a ritual to meet this man in the woods. It was part of a riddle that we had to solve, and it involved capturing bubbles of some sort of gas with the inverted canoe, climbing up a rock face, and making a cord vibrate to be invited into his home.
His home was perfectly camouflaged outside, but inside it was immaculate-- a very cool effect. He wanted to stay hidden from the world, but we had been invited. He had beautiful carvings and works of art that he had created. It was almost like a museum, but it was a lot warmer. Beautiful, rich hardwood floors, wood-frame windows... and it just felt perfect.
Back to the sinking boats:
This is a recurring theme in a lot of dreams I have. I didn't really realize it until this morning, but often I will dream of being in a boat either by myself or with others, and the boat will be overloaded to the point where it is almost at the waterline. Even though I try to be careful, somehow it always ends up sinking.
Okay, obvious thought that I'm trying to do too much at one time. Another thought is that I'm not very good at planning or management of my resources.