I seem to be awfully whiny and complaining lately. And I don't mean to
be-- but I'm in a place of major changes in my life on just about every
front, and I feel like I'm behind on just about everything.
Well, it's pretty much stable, in that it's pretty much dead. I am so
very turned off of the idea of relationships now that I actively avoid
situations where I might "find" someone. The mini-crushes have
diminished into ashes, with just tiny occasional flare-ups.
I still have a lot of issues to deal with with Barb. Most of them are
legal/financial, and the rest are mostly cleaning/organizing related. We
do plan to keep in touch because of shared pets, particularly Sadie.
And the keeping in touch thing makes the idea of other relationships a
bit snarky. I am doing my best to remain civil, but I know there will
be trouble in the future. Most of it will resolve around *stuff*, and
putting *stuff* in *places*, or taking *stuff* out of *places* where the
*stuff* used to be.
And that won't be ending any time soon. Barb still has over a year left
to finish her degree, and I don't think she's gonna find a place to be
real soon after that. I need to put a final date on the storage of
*stuff*, but I want to do it in a way that is fair and reasonable and civil
but still allows me to heal.
I've been whiny and silly about meeting someone, and where to meet
someone, and how difficult it will be to meet someone who shares my
interests in the grotesque and horrible and cool, and I probably won't stop
that. But it has become much less of an issue with the realization that I
am in for a long-term overhaul.
saveau keeps pushing the idea of a three-year plan, and
that seems to be the target time frame. And in thinking back on the number
of really cool people that I've met in the past three years, I'm not
really concerned that I won't meet anyone... just that I won't meet
anyone that's actually available and interested. And compatible. Remember,
I'm pretty fuckin' weird.
It is what it is. It's not my dream house. I don't think it ever can
be, primarily because it's on a city lot and doesn't have the space that
I want. I will probably sell it at some point, after it is fixed up and
prettified. Either that, or keep it as a rental property and build
somewhere else. After I win the lottery and have unlimited amounts of cash
at my disposal.
In flux. I am already on my second career in this life. I have reached
senior level status, but the direction that the industry is taking
overall is abysmal, and I really want something more fulfilling. But I also
don't want to just walk away from decades of experience, I want to find
a way of using that investment to bring me to the next level.
There are things that I like about engineering. The stuff that I don't
like is almost entirely corporate-related. But working for the Man pays
the bills. I am at some sort of crossroads, though it's more of a
swampy ill-defined bog that seems to have no clear direction.
Then there is the whole filmmaking experience. I love it. It's also a
serious bitch to make a living.
There is the Creative Art of Horror: making zombies and
monsters, props and set pieces.
Combining them all, I get lovely things like animatronic hallowen
props, moviemaking tools, and industrial sensors.
Massage. Photography. Audio & video production. I can do a lot of
But how can I make a nice living doing it?
Well, I'm not the healthiest person alive. But I am getting better than
I was. The diabetes is much more under control. I am losing fat and
gaining muscle, too slowly for my tastes but at least it's steady
Mentally I still am depressive, and keep on the medication. It seems
stable. Perhaps as I get better physically, that can be tapered off as
Medication is expensive. And I have no insurance to cover the costs.
I am not really into organized religion. My early exposure to the
church was not kid-friendly as a child, and as an early adult was filled
with hypocrisy and narrow-mindedness. In college, I did some comparative
religious studies and found that while most intentions were good, the
end effects tended to twist things around to human values of corruption
and greed and hunger for power.
I also studied the nature of reality and perception, and came up with
answers that annoyed the professors, because they didn't want to
question their beliefs.
I don't delve into it so much anymore. Practical things have tended to
take up most of my available brain real estate, and situations of talk
about philosophy and the nature of reality and consciousness are few
and far between these days. The only other person that I know who has a
deep abiding interest in synthetic consciousness as I do is an annoying
prig who doesn't allow for any viewpoints that are different from his
own. (We once got into an online argument about emergent behavior
in which he essentially called me stupid for considering it was
anything more than an interesting but annoying side effect. Calling me stupid
does not win you any brownie points.)
Incidentally, I consider philosophy and the nature of consciousness to
be a spiritual pursuit more than an intellectual one. I don't think you
can separate intellect from spirituality (while I do think you can
separate intellect from religion).
Abundant and clever. I have some really wonderful friends. Some of them
are purely virtual, which is kind of interesting. Some of them I will
never meet in person, yet I enjoy their company immensely.
It's been a while. And it's gonna be a while longer. I can live without
sex (though it's not as fun as living with sex) for quite a
while. Particularly if I have things to distract me.
Hoo, boy. I occasionally get hugs from friends. Which is nice.
Unfortunately, most of my friends aren't into that
getting-naked-and-gently-caressing thing, or if they are, they haven't told me about it.
Screenplays and Zombies have taken a back seat to the immediate
fix-the-goddamn-house projects that have invaded my life. They are just on
hold, not abandoned. Having a skull staring you in the face everyday tends
to make you remember.
I have a whole buttload of DVDs that I haven't watched yet. I have
games I haven't played, movies I haven't seen (I still havent seen Shaun
of the Dead or Sky Captain!), although I think I've just
about run through the books that I have down here. And I've only been in
the hot tub twice since it opened.
And now you know everything about me that there is to know.
Questions? Comments? Donations?