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Started off with a Barb conversation.

There were a lot of tears. Some of them were mine. Yes, I have emotionally distanced myself. On purpose. Sorry that makes you uncomfortable. And having someone else clean and rearrange the room is indeed partially about territory. It's not your room anymore.
And yes, I do hurt. Twelve years is a long time to have to discard like a used condom. But remember, you're the one who decided I wasn't worth your time anymore. Wishing you could take it all back is pointless, and you don't really want that. You want me to have changed to what you wanted me to be rather than what I am. You aren't willing to change yourself, and saying that we could have worked out if only I had wanted all the same things you wanted is really becoming inane.
We aren't going to work out. You sold me out for "something better" that turned out to be an illusion. Go out there and find what you want, because I'm not going to give it to you.

Then I spent a couple of hours in bed. ALternating between crying and napping.

Went to Tony & Kristi's house. Brought along props for decorating for a Halloween party. Since I wasn't my normal ebullient self, I got jumped on a little. Not in a bad way mind you, but some of my friends are not quite as tolerant as I am, and don't really understand that it still hurts.

Went to Bondage-A-Go-Go. First time. Watched several Domme shows. It's very much a Lord Hedon thing, and it has a certain draw for me.

I'll be back.


It's been an eventful week. A lot to digest and mull over.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
saveau
Oct. 17th, 2004 08:52 am (UTC)
>some of my friends are not quite as tolerant as I am, and don't really understand that it still hurts.

I understand.

Hug.
lexinatrix
Oct. 17th, 2004 09:12 am (UTC)
There were a lot of tears. Some of them were mine. Yes, I have emotionally distanced myself. On purpose. Sorry that makes you uncomfortable. And having someone else clean and rearrange the room is indeed partially about territory. It's not your room anymore.
And yes, I do hurt. Twelve years is a long time to have to discard like a used condom. But remember, you're the one who decided I wasn't worth your time anymore. Wishing you could take it all back is pointless, and you don't really want that. You want me to have changed to what you wanted me to be rather than what I am. You aren't willing to change yourself, and saying that we could have worked out if only I had wanted all the same things you wanted is really becoming inane.
We aren't going to work out. You sold me out for "something better" that turned out to be an illusion. Go out there and find what you want, because I'm not going to give it to you.



I am so proud of you.


some of my friends are not quite as tolerant as I am, and don't really understand that it still hurts.

I'm truly intolerant. I am. But I consider that my role to play. To goad, cajole, urge you into thinking about things that let you say the above with confidence.

Like I said: I'm proud of you.
ez2beve
Oct. 19th, 2004 08:58 am (UTC)
You Impress Me!
Immensely!!!!
magicmarmot
Oct. 19th, 2004 10:07 am (UTC)
Smackdown
As long as I don't die in the process.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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